View Single Post
  #3  
Old 05-29-2013, 07:09 AM
Anneintherain's Avatar
Anneintherain Anneintherain is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: Seattle-ish
Posts: 826
Default

Don't expect words of wisdom here since I've had some wine, but I wanted to empathize with you. You sound a lot like me in the "information is important" department. A month ago I found out that my husband had been keeping stuff from me, and then lied about a couple of things. This has made me hypersensitive to being over-aware of what my partners share with me - or leave out. 32 days ago when information was left out that I thought fell under the "important to share" umbrella, I KNEW that it was left out due to oversight, but as of 31 days ago, it's been much harder to remain objective and not ascribe negative motives to ANY of my partners actions that leave information out.

Obviously you should've been told this was in the works as it seems to have been your agreement, but you weren't, and now you have to deal with your feelings. To be surprised by your DH while still reeling about C about the naked pictures well that exacerbates everything, doesn't it? Makes you question your partner choices, scares you, pisses you off and frustrates you. (maybe Im projecting )

I've learned I cant expect things to be specifically disclosed unless I had an agreement otherwise. I mean I'D expect a "primary entanglement" would bring it up to me, cause I talk to them so often, but I've found partners don't always feel the same way about the same things, which is why I brought it up and know my husband doesn't want my partners to have naked pics of me, and wont do it either (and if I find it important to change that understanding, I'll be proactive and tell him I'm going to do it). Maybe it wasn't a part of your courtship with DH and you didn't know that was something he'd do... I'd try to roll with it. Maybe you told DH "Hey I'm feeling really sensitive right now and want to know as much info as possible" while I work through this crisis - maybe he's said yes, maybe he's not directly answered - but I'd stress this point, and hopefully he will sit down with you and answer all your questions, or you can email him with anything you can think of that you feel you "need" to know right now, and he will find it easier to share that way, giving you time to process and respond calmly if you find anything troubling.

I know you're raw and working through this, and your partners aren't exactly making it easy by becoming totally transparent, and I'm guessing it was more tolerable to accept their flaws in the disclosure department before the oral sex episode. I think its smart to remember that you know what he considers to be the important thing - they plan on ending up in a hotel room together. You cannot know every detail of their courtship and flirting even if you ask him 100 questions, but if some things are things you want to know - well then DO ask, just try to understand if he keeps surprising you, that he just doesn't think like you. He told you about the pictures, even though he didn't happily or automatically volunteer it - I'd try to not make too big a deal about it or he might start reacting defensively int he future, which makes information more scarce. I've found that the easiest way to roll with the punches is if something wasn't shared with me and it's really important, to ask if the person will share with me if it happens again in the future with other partners, and accept if they aren't willing to.

I'm going to recommend this book "If the Buddha Dated" for you, it is quite helpful for me in situations like this, with my mind racing with questions and worries.
__________________
Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.
Reply With Quote