A Friendly Case of NRE
I've mainly been lurking on the forum, lately, too busy with stuff out in the real world to spend much time writing here in the unreal one.
Really, though, it hasn't seemed to me that there's been much to tell.
I'm still working through the same issues with Vix. She's away, now, on tour. In fact, we all traveled as a family to a festival about 10 hours from here, then parted ways there. She'll be back next week, with only two or three days to turn around and fly with the girls to Europe. I'll join them two weeks after that.
As before, parting was hard - a feeling of desolation crept over me for a while - but actually living through her absence isn't so bad. At least I know she's gong to be doing something of her own, something she finds satisfying, something that earns her the respect of her peers.
But there is one change that has been sneaking up me: my relationship with Metis has been deepening into a close and trusting kind of friendship. We get together when we can - once, now, we managed to arrange to have dinner together, followed by a walk in the park - and we have confided in one another more and more.
We also write back and forth every day: sometimes long emails, sometimes short ones, sometimes just links to things we found online we found funny or intriguing or annoying. When I was away this past weekend, with no possibility of email, we kept up a long - if intermittent - text conversation.
In a sense, our friendship is asymmetrical.
I'm still very much in love with her, and I've let her know I'm open to what most people would call a "romantic" relationship with her.
In reply, she's told me that she looks to me more like a father figure. Not precisely that, though; maybe something more like a mentor or advisor. She says she's never had the kind of support or acceptance from any of the men in her life that she gets from me. What she's told me of her father and of her mom's subsequent live-in boyfriend makes me think that's true.
She apologized for saying she looks to me as something like a father figure, concerned I might think it was twisted, that I might think she was dragging me into some sort of bizarre psychodrama.
Really, I didn't take it that way at all. I did tell her I would rather she didn't frame our relationship in father-daughter terms, given the unfortunate spin that would put on the intensity of my feelings for her. But I am happy to offer support and acceptance and perspective for as long as she needs them.
I also told her that I think of her as my equal: I'm muddling through just like she is, and it might help us both to muddle through together for a while.
Anyway, Metis and I worked through all this a couple of weeks ago, and have seen one another a couple of times since, and just continued with our confidences as before.
I think ours has the potential of being an enduring sort of friendship.
Here's the thing, though. At the moment, my affection for Metis is overwhelming me. I think of her all the time, and I'm eager to find opportunities to be with her (which is not an easy thing), or even just to communicate with her.
I'm awash in a friendly case of NRE.
To my delight, Metis often initiates email or text exchanges, and she has said she wants us to find time to be together. It would seem I am nearly as important to her as she is to me, though maybe for different reasons.
I'm trying very hard not to be so overwhelmed by my affection that I lose sight of the established boundaries of our relationship. After our walk in the park, Metis hugged me; that is the currently agreed limit of our physical relationship.
I just ache to kiss her and hold her, though, simply in order to express the depth of my feeling for her. I really haven't thought much past that, and none of the physical stuff is an end in itself; certainly, I care about her and respect her enough never to pressure her into moving the established boundary.
She has enough struggles with anxiety and stress in her life without me adding to them by pushing her into something she wouldn't otherwise agree to.
It's a little uncomfortable, this intensity of feeling, this near obsession with Metis, but mostly I don't find anything tragic in the asymmetry of our relationship.
I have to struggle some with the strength of my affection, but the result is that my relationship with Metis has an immediacy and an intensity to it that is thrilling and indescribably sweet.
I got it bad, and that's all right.
Last edited by hyperskeptic; 05-29-2013 at 12:21 PM.