Help squashing resentment
Hi all, I lurk a lot and first time posting here.
The Dear Hubby and I have been together for 13 years, married for 11, and poly for about a year and a half.
DH had a real hard time with poly at first, as I hooked up and then started a relationship with a close male friend of mine, C, who has been married just as long as we have and is also poly (along with his lesbian wife). He had asked us to back off from the NRE for a bit, and we did, and we only got to see each other maybe once a month, although we talked online almost every day. We have a group of close friends too, so we did get to keep in close contact. We've been lovers since Jan 2012.
DH was all over the place for the first year, sometimes wanting to join in in a cuckolding kinda way, other times disgusted with the fact that his wife had a lover, and struggling with the fact that he wanted me to be happy, etc. We were patient with him and 12 months later, we all ended up having a nice little threesome, at which point DH really turned a corner and accepted his and mine feelings. Those 12 months were really bad though, as he was kinda Jeckle and Hyde, alternatively punishing and praising me. He had other issues going on at the time, and we knew this so we stayed patient. Suffice to say, however, he was really unfair and really put me though the wringer although he recognizes and regrets that and aims to treat us differently.
Now DH is entering his second relationship. His first one lasted about 4 months, when he realized that he wasn't really attracted to her, she was just a nice person who validated him. This time he found someone on a dating website and I approve of her. They're due to meet up this Friday.
C and I were going along just fine for a year, my feelings deepened into love, and everyone was aware of that, and C's were deep but not quite, which was just fine by everyone as well. This February he met up with an ex girlfriend of his and they engaged in some oral sex, just for her. This was a huge blow to me because I had no idea it was going to happen and really didn't consider our relationship to be "open." He was surprised because he thought I knew that he never really "closed" that relationship. His wife knew the ex was a possibility all along, and C had just forgotten that he never made that clear to me. Prior to that he had agreed to run any possible liaisons by both me and his wife, with the general understanding that we trusted his judgement and would likely approve anyway. With this one, he just didn't think it was necessary because he already thought I knew, but although I was hurt, we took the opportunity to re-work out our rules and boundaries.
Thing is, this blew me away (pun really not intended.) I felt so... betrayed. That he just casually mentioned that he was involved with someone else. I felt that I couldn't trust him to tell me things I needed to know, like this woman was a possibility (which I would have been fine with, I knew both him and his ex when they were dating, we all went to prom together in high school!) He agreed to work on re-gaining my trust again no matter how long it takes - he's really a great guy.
DH helped me work through what I felt was a large betrayal on the part of C, and helped me come down from my anger, so to speak, and deeply understood how I am about just.., not having knowledge.
So now I've asked for daily updates on DH's new relationship, only in that what point are they at, and it's still only a few weeks old. They are pretty much ready to meet in a hotel room after drinks. All fine with me. I asked several times today what general things they were talking about and DH seemed to avoid my question. Come to find out they were exchanging naked pictures. I felt betrayed again, as I asked him several times to let me know of any developments and I felt like he was hiding that from me.
I have personal reasons why just knowing what I could possibly expect is a HUGE deal to me and both men know this. I'm left feeling betrayed and that everyone is really hiding everything from me, and I KNOW this is all my problem, because none of these men are shady or manipulative and both care about me SO much, and would do anything I ask, yet when I ask to be updated on status, they both conveniently "forget."
So I'm left wondering, no, concluding, that it's probably just me. That I just freak out when I don't know everything, and that it's probably hurting both relationships. I resent DH because he gave me such hell throughout this past year even when I told him everything he wanted to know, and now acts all secretive and offended and forgetful when I want information. Not details, but you know, if they go from exchanging first names, to having a flippin' baby together (not okay, by the way,) I'd like to have a little bit of a heads up to know that things were going that way.
Sometimes I wish I could just flip a switch and not care about what either man is doing. I can't help it though, I get real panic attacks when I don't know what's going on. Again, I don't need details, but I need updates. And even with regularly scheduled, daily brief updates, they still leave out what I consider critical information. Both of them take responsibility for the oversight and are willing to work with me, but... I just don't feel like I can still trust them. And I hate that because I love both of them SO much.
Help dealing with my feelings??