As I rode the train to C.'s city, I felt myself getting calmer. It might have had something to do with my reading (I'd been reading Pema Chodron all morning, btw this
is highly recommended for anyone who's ever dealt with obsessive thoughts).
I arived early at the place we were meeting, a bar we go to often. The weather was beautiful, I sat outside the bar on the lovely old square, ordered a drink, and looked around me. I was very calm.
When C arrived we talked some practical small talk at first, about my family and his work. Then I asked him: how was your weekend? I knew he had spent it with Molly. He said they had a great weekend. And then he told me: "yesterday morning I told her I was going home in the afternoon. That I wanted to have the evening to myself, and that you were coming to visit today. And I dreaded telling her, because we had said we would spend the weekend together, and I thought she probably thought that would include last night.
But she was perfectly fine with it. And that made me realize I need to be much clearer about my boundaries. And we talked a lot, and I think she is becoming more and more accepting of the fact that if she wants to be with me, you are there, as well. That I am also in a relationship with you. "
This may seem like such a simple thing but when he told me this, it was like a weight was being lifted, and there was no heaviness or anxiety in me anymore. I told him that this was exactly what I'd been having issues with. That the fact that he did not want to be clear to her about me, and did not want to be clear to me about her. How he was twisting himself around to not hurt her, with the result that I felt unseen, unacknowledged and unappreciated. I basically told him most of the things outlined in my previous post. And he listened. Calmly. I could see that I really got through to him. (for months, all of our conversations were: me getting upset and insecure, him getting defensive, me sad, him reassuring me, rinse and repeat). He was not defensive at all. He did not argue with what I told him. He listened and said I'm sorry you feel that way. He apologized for handling things badly, and for not treating both of us right, because of not being honest with himself.
It was all pretty huge and went SO much bettter than I could have imagined....
After that we went home, I cooked a great dinner, we sat on the couch and talked a lot. We taked about me being included in his life and meeting his friends. He told me more about his social life and I realized (which I suppose I could've known, but the concept of having a very quiet social life is so alien to me, I kept forgetting) that he really doesn't have a lot of friends. And I have met his best friend, he introduced me to her pretty soon afterwe became serious. I saw that he is, or has been, quite lonely, and that besides his lover, I am also one of his closest friends. This made it even easier to feel compersion for his relationship with Molly - he's with her, and through her meeting new people, and enjoying it.
We also talked a lot about my relationship with MrBrown and the D/s dynamic. He's been jealous of MrB in the past, but I could tell he made a genuine effort to talk to me about it and to understand the how's and why's of this dynamic, and what it means to me.
It was a great evening of open, flowing connections.
No sex, but some excellent, passionate kissing (which, I admit, I sometimes like even more than sex). I spent the night, had to get up really early to make the 2 hour commute and be at work in time. But I woke up so happy and light. I think it was the first time in months I did not leave him with a lump in my throat and a heavy heart.
I realize when I write all this down it's not even that clear what has changed. I think it was that I was able to communicate my issues, but most importantly, he was ready to really hear them. He changed - I could see he was no longer making excuses, being defensive, like a deer in the headlights. I felt that he really SAW me, and that was something I had not felt in months.
Taking it slow from here, not getting my hopes up too much. The daily reality will have to show if this is a lasting thing, or if he will get caught in the complexities of his poly life again and not know how to deal. But I am optimistic, and that is also something I haven't felt in months. So for now I am just going to enjoy that I feel no longer anxious and sad, but full of love and hope instead.