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Old 05-27-2013, 08:21 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Originally Posted by watchman View Post
He does have a tendency to be possessive over me, and I can respect where that's coming from: love. But, I also need my freedom too, and I think he's coming to respect that aspect of me too.
Because I love someone, I want them to be happy, to know that they are free, and that my love doesn't impose restrictions on their freedom. It's funny how so many people think that loving someone is at odds with that person being free to be who they are, when it should be the opposite. If I love someone, their freedom isn't mine to give.

Originally Posted by watchman View Post
I think he's coming to see the benefits of having an open relationship.

I do have a lot of talking to do! We have pretty strong communication skills, so I think it will all work out. It's boundary-setting time, so I agree with you. I have to make it clear that my other relationships are my own and not try to please him at the expense of my own liberty.

Originally Posted by mamalionesse View Post
There is a big difference between 'asking for permission' and 'taking into account the other person's feelings'. I would be inclined to use the admission of not being comfortable to probe further and find out exactly what the issue is. This is important because you don't want resentment.
Yes, and that is why I said that there will be lots of talking ahead, and respecting each other. It is important to look at the issues behind the OP's partner wanting to limit what the OP does, and to think he can assert himself not only into the OP's sex life, but also into the OP's other partner's sex life (by saying "threesomes only," there is an automatic assumption that he also has authority over who the local bf can have sex with). But his saying, "No, you can't be with him without me" doesn't accomplish getting to the issues! It's up to the OP's LD partner to examine his own conflicts and work on them. Anything else is just a Band-Aid.

Originally Posted by mamalionesse View Post
It's easy enough to say everyone has to set their own boundaries and work out their own hangups, but this is a lot less easy to actually do. Most people are just not that self-aware. I agree that the only people who have a say in a relationship are the two involved. But this isn't about your relationship with new guy, it's about your relationship with LTR bf, and he DOES have a say.
He has a say about his OWN relationship, no one else's. He can ask for more time with the OP, for safe sex practices, for clear, honest communication, for whatever he wants that has to do with him and HIS relationship with the OP, but why would he get a say over how the OP conducts his other relationships? That is possessive. They are not his to manage!

And although whatever I said about setting boundaries may seem simple, of course simple does not automatically mean it is easy. I get that. Many of us have a tough time asking for what we want and/or standing up for that, but it is essential that we establish those boundaries and that others know that if they want respect from us, they must respect us as well. People in relationships are still individuals!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia "

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Last edited by nycindie; 05-27-2013 at 08:26 AM.
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