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Old 05-27-2013, 07:19 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 426
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Having the Big Talk with C later today (I'm going to see him, fortunately, I hate talking on the phone).

just writing down some stuff that really needs to be addressed..


I've been living a poly life for 4 years now. It's been wonderful, exhilarating, and hard. I've grown and learned and my outlook on what I wanted from this new style of relationships has changed a lot. I love where it is now and this is how I want it to be: I am open and honest, and I want all my partners to be open and honest. With me and with others and with themselves.

I am proud of who I am, am proud of the way I live my life, and am proud of my loves. I want to have them in my life and in my world. Degrees of this presence can vary, but the bottom line is that there should be no shame, and no fear.

I want you, C., to be in my life. And I want to be in your life. It doesn't have to be the same, or symmetrical, but I do need to feel that you are proud of us, and feel strong and good about our love when it comes to introducing me to people who are important to you.

You are dating someone who wants to be monogamous with you and who, essentially, does not approve of the fact that you are poly [this is tricky because I'm not sure he really is.. but that's not for me to say].
This does not align with my idea of poly, where everyone involved should not just know about each other, but be okay with the fact that there are others.

My husband is dating someone, for almost 2 years, who is doing poly unethically. This has caused both him and me major heartbreak and has caused a lot of problems in our marriage. If you are intimately and seriously involved with someone who does not believe in poly, and who will resent you for also being with someone else, this will create an unhealthy environment not just for you but for me as well, because your confusion about your relationship with her spills over into our relationship.

I have learned to deal with the situation with my husbands GF, but it is not the way I would like my poly life to be, and I don't think I can have another partnership in my life where all people involved are not positively and ethically poly.

My jealousies and insecurities, the way I have expressed them to you lately, are only to a very small extent due to the fact that there is now ' someone else in your life'.
I've learned the distinction between normal, healthy, pangs of jealousy - little reminders that nothing is a given, that things can change - and the obsessive anxiety that is caused by me feeling unsafe about the relationship. This latter feeling is NOT about me being insecure - it is about the relationship not being safe.

As long as you are on the fence about what you want out of your relationships - with me, with Molly, in general - I don't feel safe. You distance yourself because you are confused. I distance myself as to not feel unsafe... and it all goes downhill from there.

************

thoughts on things I should add or phrase differently are welcome...
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