Sunday, May 26 2013
I am not sure if what I am fealing is normal or not but today I really feal like a third wheel and very left out.
My hubby CM his aunt called and asked him and our roommate NM (nonpoly) to help her move. JB's parents were bringing some more stuff over (we are still moving the odds and ends in from moving in together) after discussion it was determind JB and I would have a couple hours in the morning (after I went to assist at work for a couple hour)to be alone * remember I have been saying for the last week or so that with the caos of our move and stuff that we wernt as close and that I was trying to reconnect with her* So I leave for work, JB being the only one up, she kisses me bye and then goes back to bed with CM. I was only gone an hour or a little morer, but by the time I got home everything had changed, well I guess not really cuz the boys were still doing as planned, but JB decided she was going to her parents to do laundry (it was done 2 days ago but I get her wanting to stay up on it) and then she was gunna help them bring her stuff out and I'd bring it up stairs when they got here. So much for mu special time with her. I feal like everything I said this week didn't count. I feal like she is embarassed by me (otherwise she would have asked me to go, or she would tell her parents we are together, even though they ask about our beds and sleeping arangements and they see me with her and CM all the time. I feal like she doesn't want to have a relationship with me, only the 3 of us and hers and him. About two days ago CM was tattoing so I asked JB if after dinner she would like to find us a movie and/or TV show on the laptop and cuddle up and watch it in bed. At first she made excuses like she didn't have anything to watch right now, I said I don't care I just want to cuddle with you and our baby. She backed off and said okay. I cooked dinner, did the dishes, showered shaved I stink pretty. I go out into the living room where JB CM NM, cat and dog are. I sit down and almost immediately JB stands with her cat and announces she is going to bed. You get the normal rounds of good nights kisses and hugs, all without any recognition of my suggestion. Now you have to understand JB to realize she isn't being rude intentionally; she is just super duper almost painfully shy. So please believe me when I say it wasn't being rude she probibly was just tired because she worked 8hrs and is pregnant, but I try to not say anything as to not hurt the person I love or make her uncomfortable, or push her into something she isn't ready to (ie comming out). I feal like she hides me quite often, with her familuy, doctors, friends, collegues. I believe there are only 3 people whom she has told, of those three, I spilled the beans unknowingly and unintentionally to one, the second one isn't a super close friends and the third she is no longer friends with. So this is why I feal hidden and like I'm the dirty little secret noone wants to get out!! Lol is this normal to feal this way when someone is still pretty much entirely in the closet??? I am starting to develop a relationship with her parents and I continueously have to watch what I say and do (I can't touch either of them, as CM is her bf and they don't know about me; I'm the friend), I also feal like I am a sham, dishonnest sham because I like who I am and am proud and lucky to have them both, and I have to sit back and bequiet!!!
I know I need to talk with her, but it feals like whenever I do she doesn't give a thought to what I say ( and I'm not sure if that's because she's pregnasnt, or emotional or scarde, or lack of her anti anixiety medications(her doc took her off for the prergnancy)
So anyone with any advice on what to do I'd very much apreciate anything, because right now I am a fish out of water flopping around. I am not sure what to do, or say to get my needs met but also respect her and not push her. Its kind of like a tight rope act, its all good till a mm wrong move!!!