Originally Posted by Magdlyn
Your brand of what you call poly was missing the "amory" bit as far as Matt was concerned. You may love him, in your way, and he loves you, still, somehow, but the first rule of being polyamorous is "communication, communication, communication." Loving isn't enough. Respect and actually caring about your loved one's feelings is needed or, goodbye Charlie.
Yes, so I am just agreeing with you. It is terrific you are finally becoming aware of your callous behavior. Better late than never. I also don't take Matt off the hook. He claims he protested over the years, was continually ignored and then he just rolled over and gave up. Somehow though, he finally made his feelings known! Why now and not 10 years ago, I don't know. I guess it's a Papa Bear thing. He handled it for himself by kowtowing to your selfish behavior, but once his kids were involved he finally roared.
I'm sorry, I just felt it had to be said, especially since you're constantly wondering if you could or should "be poly" again in future, with Si or with someone else. Since you've not really had experience being poly, imho, this is the wrong question to be asking. That is all I am saying. There is no "one twue poly" but somehow I think riding roughshod over your husband's feelings, ignoring him, and him rolling over and playing dead is not part of polyamory.
It's great you've making changes, I do applaud that, and wish you (all 6 of you, Ry, Si, Matt, Nanny J and duckies) well.
I know I made mistakes. I want my mistakes to be a lesson. I am far from perfect. I could have communicated better. I should have listened to him. I should never have gotten complacent. If I had lost my marriage, I would have been to blame. I acknowledge that I was selfish. I acknowledge I was gone more than I was home. I admit that the balance was lost. I admit that my marriage suffered. I admit that I was wrong for how I managed the two relationships. His feelings towards non-monogamy are justified. I am not the spokesperson for poly. I am one lesson in how not to do things. The way I did things was wrong. If it can save someone from causing as much destruction as I did over the years, I am happy for that.
My mistakes do not change my beliefs in poly. I believe in it. I have for the past 17 years. I messed up on my journey, and I am trying my damndest to get back on the right path and remember that I did it right at some point.
I appreciate your opinion, and I apologise for how I took what you said. I can admit that I did practice it wrong for a huge chunk of time.