Originally Posted by MrMom
Some more info on my situation...
I've been reading some books that my wife has purchased, such as "Open" and "The Marriage Makeover". I'm honestly still on the fence about an open marriage and have certainly not ruled it out. But the way I see her relationship with this other man is that they were college boyfriend/girlfriend. She transferred to another school and they broke up. That was well over 15 years ago. Now they've reconnected (yeah, thanks alot stupid facebook) and I find out that he's not had another real woman in his life since my wife, and he's never gotten over her. From what I've seen, they are in love with each other, and she wants to carry on this relationship via an open marriage. I might be ok with us involving others in our sex life, but I don't think I'm OK with her having a separate life-partner where if I was out of the picture they'd probably end up getting married and having a monogamous life.
Is this a normal reaction on my behalf? Are there different levels of open marriage, as set by the rules that I keep reading must be set? What if either my wife or I don't like the third person?
yes your reaction is normal.
BUT-hers may be as well.
I am a polyamorous woman. I was born poly. I can honestly tell you that in my whole life I've always FELT love deeply with more than one person.
I kept it a secret because I was raised in a strict christian home and thought that I was "flawed".
I married my husband (maca is his login if you search it you can read his version).
I love him deeply and would do damn near to anything for him.
Including try my damnest to be a "good wife" as defined by the church and most of society.
BUT-I couldn't STOP my heart.
I also love my best friend (GG is his log in and he's rarely on here).
I had an affair.
Lots of drama etc.
I "came out" poly in September and sat down with maca.
The bottom line for me is that I AM inlove with BOTH of them, not some random "fuck". So it would be POINTLESS for Maca to "agree to an open marriage if I only fucked someone else".
First of all-it wouldn't change that I AM IN LOVE WITH GG ALSO. What it would do is create an atmosphere where I was again supposed to suppress that and pretend to be something I'm not for my husbands comfort.
Second of all-it wouldn't operate because I'm not interested in sleeping around. I'm interested in HONESTLY being MYSELF with my husband.
In order to TRULY be me-he has to accept ME for who I REALLY am.
Who I really am IS TRULY DEEPLY committed to him and in love with him and happy being with him
TRULY DEEPLY committed to GG and in love with GG and happy being with GG.
That said-no one here knows your wife-so we can't say that SHE struggled through a mess like this one I did. She may have (certainly not unusual) or she may be using poly as an excuse.
ONLY deep, open, non-confrontational, accepting conversation is going to figure that out.
I do wish you luck. I know it's painful to deal with an affair and it's difficult to decide to change a major dynamic in a relationship. Together can be hell.
The good news is that it CAN be done.
Feel free to PM myself or Maca if you would like to talk.
God knows we've been there before, but coming out has been well worth it. EVEN if we divorced now (not happening, just saying) what we have each learned about ourselves, our needs, our requirements in relationships..... just not replaceable. I truly don't know how we managed at all before.
*fyi-we are 34 and 38 yrs old. So we do grasp the highschool thing. GG and I have been friends since he was 17 (he's 33 now).