thanks ladies for your input. It is much appreciated.
Originally Posted by MeeraReed
You have done a remarkable job of "owning" your feelings and treating your anxiety about C as if it were your problem to deal with. I didn't want to say anything because you were doing such good inner work--but I kept wanting to say, "It really sounds like your constant anxiety about C is not about your own issues with anxiety--it's a problem with C himself."
You link your need for reassurance to an addiction, something about your own brain chemistry--yet the only aspect of your life in which you are suffering from this particular "addiction" is with C.
well, truth be told, it is something I am suffering with in other aspects of my life, too. But it is also true that he triggers my anxieties way more than anyone or anything else in my life - so yeah that should tell me something.
Originally Posted by MeeraReed
Now, I am really biased in my opinions because whenever I hear that someone has ED, I am immediately reminded of my ex and cannot get the comparison out of my head. My ex had sexual problems which seemed to be linked to his inability to know what he wanted, express what he wanted, or ask for what he wanted. (This led him to quietly resent me for years, which is not the case with C; yet still I feel they have similar traits).
So, maybe I'm wrong here. But I, personally, sympathize with you losing respect for C.
you make some very interesting points about C's lack of communication skills, his ED, and the possible connection between the two.
The thing is: the whole ED thing never bothered me much when we were fluid bonded. We had PIV sex occasionally and when we did, it was pretty awesome. When we didn't/couldn't, we always found other fun things to do. And of course it does help that I have plenty of sex in all kinds of flavors in my life anyway.
My issue with it now, is that because of the fact he cannot use condoms and we are no longer fluid bonded, he is the one who made the decision to remove even the possibillity
of this intimacy from our dyad.
When I brought it up in our phone conversation and said : you know, I really miss that part of our intimacy, he said 'well I miss it too!'
and I said 'well you never said that before, this is the first time you said that. That means a lot to me.' And he said, 'well, we've been together long enough that I thought you would KNOW that it was important to me too!'
And I said 'well uhm NO, 18 months together does not make me a mind reader. You chose to be fluid bonded to a woman you're not in love with, not crazy about, and who you think of breaking up with at least once a week. How was I supposed to know that you miss this or that it was important to you?'
Yes, the fact that he is indecisive, and cannot communicate his wants and needs very well, spills over to every part of his life. He's not taking responsibility. About his ED he says well this is it, nothing we can do about it... and all the time I'm thinking really? is there nothing you can do about it? there are obviously no medical reasons because he sometimes 'functions' very well. So why not try to work on this?
Anyway. Sorry to keep rambling on, but it does help to put all my thoughts into words and it even helps that it is in another language, it makes me see things clearer I guess.