I was reading a post about forgiveness, written by a poly-acquaintance on fb.
He was talking about how important it is that both parties be focused on the future in terms of "having a great relationship" (whatever TYPE of relationship that may be).
It got me thinking.
One of the things that really struck me was this:
A few months ago, ok almost a year, I was whining and pissing and moaning about the unfairness of xyz thing Maca was doing. Some of his behaviors were BASED UPON his continued passive-aggressive "punishment" of me for having an affair.
But-it had been 3 years and he knew fully (and acknowledged clearly) that not only had the situation changed, but I had changed and there was no doubt in his mind that I was not going to lie to him or repeat any of those hurtful things again.
Several people commented-but the one that struck me then was from Galagirl (i'm not quoting, I'm not going to go search for it). She basically asked me when I was going to expect that Maca stop punishing me, when was I going to expect that forgiven meant it was done and the punishment done?
There are consequences, some will last forever. But punishment isn't the same as consequence.
I sat down with Maca and told him that I was done being the scapegoat for all the issues that arose in our family. That I had paid the price for my "crimes" and we needed to either end or truly "start new". No more manipulative shit-talking about how much I had hurt him when he was meeting new women, no more holding me to stricter rules than himself etc.
This all goes along with the more recent post I read about forgiveness.
Because-when we had that conversation, Maca admitted that he wasn't even THINKING about his actions, the sneaky, nastiness that came when he was hurt, had become HABIT and he was doing it "naturally" without intention or thought.
We both started focusing on "what ARE we building together" instead of "what did we do to fuck up what we WERE building together".
THAT is what finally pushed us over the edge of "poly but miserable after mono misery" to "poly and happy".
We had to STOP analyzing, STOP thinking it over, STOP processing the bs, STOP reacting from PRIOR pain and fear, STOP living in the past and
START focusing on just enjoying our time together
START focusing on dating each other (not without dating others)
START focusing on loving each other
START focusing on making a future together-starting TODAY.
Too often, we (as people) fluctuate between two extremes. In this case, we either don't process anything and go through life on auto-pilot OR we spend so much time processing negative emotions, that we don't leave ourselves room for ENJOYING WHAT WE HAVE RIGHT NOW.
It's important to remind ourselves-that there is a reason we are together-and it isn't so that we can analyze our faults 24/7.
Enjoy the day. Stop to smell the flowers sure, but don't forget to also enjoy the whole scene!
Say you are sorry, be honest when you are hurt, but don't focus on the hurt to the point where it can't heal.
If you keep picking a scab... it keeps bleeding.
LEAVE THE SCAB ALONE after you have ensured the cut is cleaned out!
Let it heal while you are making new, happy memories.
"Love As Thou Wilt"