Originally Posted by redpepper
These people look to poly in terms of getting some relief from their torment sometimes or because they actually are poly. It's almost as if some people look for a poly band-aid to help them heal. poly polysporin!!!! hahahaha!!!! (maybe this joke is for north americers?) new for the definitions?
I feel strongly when people are hurting and to watch cheating about to possibly happen and have nothing to say other than, "you shouldn't do that" isn't good enough for me. At least if I don't at least explore alternatives...
what do people think of the poly band-aid thing too...? Am I crazy or do I see that some use a poly lifestyle to avoid leaving their partners for good? just a thought.
Yea, sometimes it sucks being just a kind, compassionate person. Just want to go off & 'fix' the world - especially where some of the fixes might appear relatively simple.
For myself, I'm a bit sensitive to people adopting new life/love styles for the WRONG reasons. When that happens they often bring their poison with them which ends up affecting a much larger group.
However, in general, I DO feel that shifting to a 'poly' (starting to hate that term) life/love style can obviously be a viable solution to some of the weak spots in relationships. But I DON'T feel that doing it for sex alone brings the right components.
It's kind of hard for me to generalize on things like this because I think each situation has to be evaluated individually. I don't know this person or his wife or the particulars of what their "relationship" really entails.
But what you outline is a prime example of where I've seen the B/W approach to cheating blur to gray. If for example I was a 'poly' woman and knew this person well and cared for them and maybe even their family, I might really struggle with not offering them a partial "solution". I'm liberated sexually so there'd be no conflict from that perspective alone. And it's within my capability to do this. Conditions are met - attraction, safety etc. Having this capability - and yet withholding it - brings up an interesting ethical dilemma.
My B/W rule tells me that 'cheating' is wrong (?), dangerous, harmful etc but my logical and compassionate side is beating me up over withholding aid in a circumstance when I'm more than capable of providing it.
So I think you framed this paradox well and at least for myself I have never seen any convincing evidence that would allow me to form any "rule" that could ALWAYS be adhered to that would guarantee a positive outcome. Those type of rules are almost a self definition of dogma and history illustrates that the net/net long term outcome of dogmatic thinking is disastrous at best.
PS: It's also important to note that there ARE viable solutions to the "sex" problem alone that don't involve polyamory but in our religiously crippled society, nobody is willing or brave enough to really talk about those options/solutions