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Old 05-23-2013, 04:12 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
It was lovely to see him. . . He feels that their relationship is "getting worse" again, because he's not happy.

He considers that the biggest challenge for him is that when it comes to their relationship being open, there is "nothing in it for her". She is mono, straight, and close to asexual.

I told him that I had come to the realization that poly cannot work unless EACH person (not just the members of the open couple) is getting all their needs met, or at least working toward that. We tried to talk through what each person's needs are... mine, his, and hers, and what the "ideal world" would be for each of the three.
It sounds like she was not present, correct? So, you were still hearing about her needs through him? Hmmm.

Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
The stumbling block is always that HER ideal world is: for him to hurry up and get older and grow out of his libido, so that she doesn't need to have sex with him AND he doesn't need male and female partners.
And he stays with her because...??? Oh, yeah, she must be such a kind, generous, loving person to feel this way. WTF?

Originally Posted by leelee22 View Post
One thing he said toward the end that was interesting was that he was sad that I walked away at a time when he felt that our relationship was "progressing". Whereas, having been told their terms and what was permitted, my view of our relationship was that there was no potential for any kind of progression -- i saw it as a dead-end street. But he was hoping he'd be able to convince his GF to loosen her rules as he demonstrated, over time, that her trust in him (and me) was justified.

I would like to talk with him some more.
I wonder why you want to see him again. It's very clear to me that she still has him by the short hairs and you will always be frustrated and dissatisfied in any relationship with him. Seriously, gather up all your self-esteem and take the high road the hell outta there as fast as you can. You're wasting time and energy on a situation that obviously will never give you what you want, when you could be open to other possibilities out there. Y'know, when one door closes another door opens...
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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