Had a really long and difficult phone conversation with C last night.
I've been thinking about it half the night, discussed it with Ren, and am still not sure what it is that is really happening.
I think I am losing my respect for him. He's been with Mollly for 6 months now and he still cannot decide what kind of relationship he wants, and wether or not he wants to commit to her. How am I supposed to believe him then, when he says he's still committed to me?
he says he wants things between us to 'be the way they were'. I tell him this is not possible: things have changed and we have to figure out a way to deal with the change.
He is struggling, but part of me thinks 'well that's what you get when you say you're poly and you get involved with a mono woman who wants nothng to do with poly'.
I feel completely left out of his life now. The other day when I was there his ex (they're seperated for almost 2 years now) dropped of the kids. I've met the kids and was looking forward to meeting the ex. Right before she came over C said she wasn't comfortable meeting me and could I maybe stay upstairs when she dropped them of? I said sure fine (I mean I've had my issues with meeting metamours in the past). it wasn't until later that I realized (when I was feeling really blue and could not figure out why) that she's not my metamour, she's my BF's ex. And that it would have made all the difference if he had said that HE was uncomfortable. The way he said it made me think that her wishes were more important than mine. Why could he not have said to her hey this is the woman I love and have been dating for 18 months.
Why can he not say to me hey, there's Molly now and I really like her and want to build a relationship with her. I also love you and let's work together to make this new situation work. I'd love it if in time the 2 of you could meet.
Why can he not say to her hey, there's Cleo and I've been with her a year and a half, she's important to me and I love her, this must be weird and strange for you but let's work together to make this work. I'd love it if in time the 2 of you could meet.
Instead, all he can talk about is his confusion, the fact that he's searching, not knowing what he wants, saying one thing and doing another, going back and forth all the time.
I'm smart. I know he's not going to change. So I have to do something and make decisions for myself. the way I see it, though it makes me incredibly sad to lose the connection we had, is to reform this relationship entirely.
Or end it.
But the fact that I have been anxious, worried and sad about him for more than 2 months now, is probably a sign that this has to stop.
I'm seeing him early next week, and we agreed on no contact before that. There's a difficult conversation waiting for me.
early forties, straight.
the guys: Ren - husband; Curlz - bf of 2 years, Brig - bf of 7 months; Knight - non-sexual bf; MrBrown - it's complicated
Ren's girls: Lou - gf of 2 years, Liz - very new gf