Thread: Wide Awake
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Old 05-22-2013, 08:41 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915

Originally Posted by BaggagePatrol View Post
I enjoy your writing so much; it has such an effortless, intelligent flow to it, and my brain absolutely loves it.
Thank you. Welcome to my random thoughts. They are all over the world these days.

I don't think that most of your mistakes come back to having a second relationship. I would disagree with that. It isn't flawed in its essence, but perhaps you're right to look at its execution. Elemental and I fell prey to not making our own relationship enough of a priority and it is a surefire way to wear down the good graces and love between two people, build resentment, anger and upset.
Yes, indeed.

Maybe you are poly in your veins, but are finding that it's time for a new kind of poly. Do you think that there is a version of poly that Matt might be comfortable with that would still leave you, and potential partners feeling satisfied?
No, the chances of that happening are slim to none. He wants no part of anything relating to poly, but he still treats our marriage like it is poly. Time wise and schedule wise. He is not here now. This used to be my date night/overnight with Si, so I have no actual idea when I will see him. While I was out on dates and spending the night with her, he found things to do to fill the void of me being gone. He has only made slight changes in his schedule to accommodate our new found mono status. His argument is, "I refuse to get comfortable with the idea of it being just you and me, so I would rather treat our marriage like it is still poly." That sounds good, but I am left with a lap full of time since I do not have another relationship to tend to. He has this whole other part of life that I am not part of. Just like he was not part of my dates/sleepovers. I am not asking him to give up anything because what happens if I decide to get back in another relationship? He has to have something to fall back on. It sucks because when I am alone, my thoughts kick into overdrive. It has forced me to realise just how much time I have been away from home over the years. He called me his 20% wife in counselling. Legally, I was his wife 100% of the time, but outside of the legalities, a mere 20%. He illustrated it and all with a pie chart. How sad is that?

Something would have to drastically change. No dates unless it was on pre-approved nights (bye bye spontaneity), no weekend trips, basing my schedule upon his, and all sorts of provisions. That sounds like a relationship being dictated by the primary partner. Red flag. At this moment, there is no version that he is comfortable with. He barely trusts me. We do not not trust my judgement. I know he does trust anything relating to poly, time management, and anyone I date will not be trusted by him. If I do decide to date again, I will not have his support, not even tolerance this time around, no concessions, no accommodations, and zero understanding. Talking about a nightmare. I am better off on the mono side of the tape right now. His feelings might change in time, but I am not holding breath and waiting on that.

Our children are with their grandparents for the night, so I am alone. That is what made me start thinking. "Is this what he has been dealing with all these years?" This sucks. I like being alone, but this is one of those nights where I only want to be around him. I could be out with my friends and killing time, but that is not what I want. This is one of the nights I actually do want to be all up under him like it is winter time. I know he needs time with his friends and time to do something he enjoys, but being in his shoes sucks tonight.

And I feel like you DO know what is right for you - you stepped back from Si, and have refocused on your marriage with Matt. That is what is right for you right now. Right doesn't have to mean easy, or comfortable; it's doing what you know is best for you, and not just in the present. You know your own heart, and you take fearless self inventory; your incredible mind, strength of spirit, and understanding of your own humanity will free you from these struggles over time. Be strong, beautiful woman. You can do this.
This is working for now. I cannot say that it will work tomorrow or next week. I like having some sense of direction. I feel like I am walking aimlessly with no destination in mind. Almost losing my marriage was a wake-up call. Shape the hell up or lose everything. It was not easy to step back from my relationship, but my marriage required all of my attention.

I used to know my heart. I am tuning it out these days and focusing on what is logical and realistic. O heart of mine, be still and shut up so I can do what needs to be done and not what I want. My heart can be a troublemaker and candy coated misery. Listening to it all these years has lead to trouble.

Thank you for your kind words. I hope I can do this. I am tempted to take a short cut and veer off the path I am on.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.

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