I enjoy your writing so much; it has such an effortless, intelligent flow to it, and my brain absolutely loves it.
'My life has been turned upside down. Nothing is the way it used to be. I no longer no who I am or what is best for me. I am second guessing every decision I have ever made. I want to avoid making the same mistakes again, and let's face it. Most of my mistakes stem back to having a second relationship and losing sight of what was right in front of my face. I am not sure how I was living is how I need to keep living. The past two months might have been a wake-up call that I am doing this thing called life wrong. Maybe I am not poly in my veins. Maybe it was situational. Maybe I do need to try things a different way. I am the woman who always knew what was right for her, but what was is no more.'
I don't think that most of your mistakes come back to having a second relationship. I would disagree with that. It isn't flawed in its essence, but perhaps you're right to look at its execution. Elemental and I fell prey to not making our own relationship enough of a priority and it is a surefire way to wear down the good graces and love between two people, build resentment, anger and upset.
Maybe you are poly in your veins, but are finding that it's time for a new kind of poly. Do you think that there is a version of poly that Matt might be comfortable with that would still leave you, and potential partners feeling satisfied?
And I feel like you DO know what is right for you - you stepped back from Si, and have refocused on your marriage with Matt. That is what is right for you right now. Right doesn't have to mean easy, or comfortable; it's doing what you know is best for you, and not just in the present. You know your own heart, and you take fearless self inventory; your incredible mind, strength of spirit, and understanding of your own humanity will free you from these struggles over time. Be strong, beautiful woman. You can do this.