My life is in shambles. I was just sitting here thinking that the past decade has been a farce of sorts and wrong. No wonder I feel like I have no aim or direction now. Everything was one-sided and self-serving. I never had Matt's acceptance. I would not have it now either. That is weighing heavily. I am hearing him, so that is something I think about every day. I know I am in control of my life and how I live it, but I cannot just say damn him. I am going to do me and do it well. I have been there, and I have done that. When? The past several years. Welcome to the aftermath.
My best friend might have been right when she said I am not fucked up enough to be poly. Her words. Not mine. She is poly, and her relationships are more entangled than cheap hair extensions. She is in a triad with her husband and girlfriend. The girlfriend is in a relationship with her boyfriend's sister, too. On top of all that, she is a mum to small children. She can have that work.
I listen to the way people describe poly, and I am beginning to feel like every instance in my life was strictly situational and not something I would not be under normal circumstances. I do not feel like it is part of my genetic make-up. I do not feel like it is the air I need to breathe. I do not need it to embrace that side of me to be happy. I am technically mono right now, but I feel some type of way about that. I feel like I should be looking for more, but there is nothing I want. I am not bored with my marriage. I am not in need of anything to spice up my life. I still feel guilty about wanting--not needing--a second relationship. I have battled with my morals and religious upbringing. Nothing in me can justify my non-monogamy. It felt wrong then, and it still feels wrong now. The heart wanted what the heart wanted, but I am thinking with my head now. My thoughts have left me wondering, "What the bloody devil is wrong with me for wanting more when I cannot appreciate and do not deserve what I already have?" Thoughts like that make me feel greedy and selfish all over again.
My thoughts could be skewed because nothing in my life is the way it has been for years and years. I have had to face myself. I beg to differ when people argue that all of this could happen in a mono relationship if you change out the person with a career, hobby, children, etc.. No, no, my dear. Those things are very different from an intimate relationship with another person. I love my children with every past, present, and future beat of my heart, but I am not IN love with them. I am not romantically involved them. They have needs, but they are not needs for dates, intimacy, quality romantic time, me sleeping next to them all night, etc. Totally different. Crappy communication? Yes, that can happen in any relationship.
My life has been turned upside down. Nothing is the way it used to be. I no longer know who I am or what is best for me. I am second guessing every decision I have ever made. I want to avoid making the same mistakes again, and let's face it. Most of my mistakes stem back to having a second relationship and losing sight of what was right in front of my face. I am not sure how I was living is how I need to keep living. The past two months might have been a wake-up call that I am doing this thing called life wrong. Maybe I am not poly in my veins. Maybe it was situational. Maybe I do need to try things a different way. I am the woman who always knew what was right for her, but what was is no more.
I am not stressed out, but I am walking the path of discovery. Am I even poly? If I am, why? What makes me so sure? What is it that poly brings into my life? What are the benefits? What are the drawbacks? What was I searching for? I am not afraid to be alone, so why do I want someone else? How do I do things again and avoid those mistakes? Is it worth it? I think of a thousand questions, and I consistently draw blanks.
And in other news...my engagement ring does not fit. I cannot get it past my knuckle. Seriously? Out of 10 fingers, my ring finger is the only one that is swollen? Ugh. This is the first time in 12 years of having this ring that it would not go on my finger. I wear a band at work, but I wear the set at home. Is this another sign? I texted Matt, and he was like, "We can get it resized tomorrow."