Originally Posted by Magdlyn
You have no idea how your beliefs ended up so off track?
I thought it was determined it was bad communication skills, ignoring Matt's feelings, manipulating him with your feminine wiles, spending more time with Si, work, and on your phone or computer than in talking to the man you live with.
I am glad you're setting aside your phone and lappie more often now. You say you don't have ADD but I sometimes wonder... That is just the impression I get!
Those are excuses and do not justify me losing sight of my beliefs. I did not believe in having children outside of wedlock, and I did not have the first one until almost 7 years into our marriage. I did not believe in cohabitation, so there was no shared home until after the, "I will's." Love, lust, and dopamine were not enough to shake my beliefs then. Selfishness, being self-absorbed, and foolish choices were the things that could and did.
Everything cannot be blamed on crappy communication. I ignored him. Then again, I ignore things that do not want to hear. He was going against what I had always wanted, so it was a given that he was going to be tuned out. I was gone a hell of a lot. Tis true. My other relationship kept me away more than at home. Hence why I have been dubbed a 20% wife and why he wants no part in a polyamorous marriage.
I am really quiet, and I keep to myself, so talking to Matt was not mandatory. Talking to Si every day was not mandatory either. I prefer being given space and the chance to miss a person as opposed to talking to them day in and day out. I can be content with being in the same room and not saying a word to him. Sometimes it ends up being awkward, as I dislike being idle and doing nothing. Small talk is not something I love or need to function. He has always been more talkative than me.
I do not have ADD. I tune out what I do not want to hear. When I choose to pay attention and listen intently, I can repeat a conversation back word for word. I knew my husband had a problem with the way things were. That was not a secret, and it was not an oversight. I chose to downplay his concerns when they were presented and make him think he was overreacting, when in reality he was not. He had an arsenal of reasons to be concerned. He tried to prevent this from happening years ago. I was too wrapped up in what I/we wanted, so I threw caution to the wind and worried about the consequences when it was almost too late. I knew all along what could happen, so no, I was not surprised when I lost his trust. I am the reason it vacated the premises. Manipulative? One could say that. I made the choices, and I am dealing with the consequences of my actions. I have no one to blame but myself.