Brit left a few of hours ago. Hubby cooked breakfast this morning. Blueberry waffles topped with candy floss, scrambled eggs, smoked ham, and fresh fruit with honey yoghurt. I love a man that can cook. We all ate breakfast together before we left the house. I took Brit to Waterloo to catch her train. We talked on the way. She will be back on Friday.
Matt and I were talking while we were getting dressed for work. I am enjoying our argument-free environment. He is opening up more. I actually know what he is thinking about and how he feels about certain things. I am patient, so I am not rushing him to spill his guts to me. I am more in tune with him. I can sense when he has something on his mind, so I will put the phone down or set my laptop to the side. Something was weighing on his mind this morning. It was written all over his face. Turns out. It was a work related problem, but I helped him see it from an outsider's POV and gave him a different perspective. I am glad I could help.
Since the next checkpoint relationship wise with Si is not until August or September, I can breathe now and stop being so hard on myself for not knowing what I should do. I was pushing myself too hard. I felt tragically flawed for feeling like I was toying with her emotions. I was being honest about torn, but it did nothing to alleviate my concerns. If I really do believe in non-monogamy, why am I building a new life and then trying to figure out if it will fit? It seems like it should be integrated into my new world. Then again, it was integrated, and we see how that ended. If I am going to continue, it will have to be a separate structure from the one established one with my husband and children. I have to view it like a building. The Twin Towers in Kuala Lumpur come to mind. Separate but equal buildings that standalone with a bridge connecting the two.
At times, I want to get back with my ex, but I am not trying to lose my husband and disrupt the lives of my children in order to accomplish that. I have tried to work it from every angle. I think I need to talk to both of them together and run ideas by them. I do not believe in hierarchy, and I treated them of equal importance. That did not work too well. Sadly, my relationship started coming before my marriage, which in essence came before my children. I was gone more than I was home towards the end and over the past couple of yeas. I have no idea how my beliefs ended up so off track. I have always believed that a marriage should come first and be the first strong example of what a relationship should be to a child. It was important because that was how I grew up. I knew parents loved one another, and I saw it because I was around it.
A demotion to "secondary" would tamper with the natural form the relationship had taken. Time wise, Matt's feelings, and firm assertions are proof that a co-primary relationship would probably sink faster than the Titanic. Though we did not live together but for a hot second, our lives were were intertwined in every other way. I am not really sure what form the relationship would have to take in order for my husband to be tolerant or accepting of it. Asking or expecting his acceptance is not likely after all that has happened.
I am not going to say we have hit a well just yet, but I wish the answer would reveal itself and give me some indication.
Ry - Me. Panromantic demisexual with a history of polyamorist tendencies. Married to...
Matt (Hubby) - The once distant stranger that I complement beautifully. DH of 13 years and father of our four children.