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Old 05-21-2013, 03:48 PM
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Dagferi Dagferi is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,816

Originally Posted by nouryia View Post
Even without meaning to, primaries are often controlling of the secondaries relationship. I have both a primary (husband) and a boyfriend. My bf has two primaries of his own that he lives with, though with the one, he shares more of the romantic side of things. The boyfriend and I have two pre-determined nights a week where we're allowed to see each other for maybe 3-4 hours each. Some of that time is spend alone but most of it IS NOT. There often is one or more mates in the same room as us sharing watching a show or whatever.
What is with being "allowed" to see each other. I see my boyfriend when I can around his work schedule. My boyfriends needs DO NOT come below my husbands. They get equal consideration. On the nights Murf comes here and spends the night Butch will respect our time and give us our privacy.

We get *maybe* 2 hours alone and only when we seclude ourselves to the bedroom. Even that time used to get interrupted until I had a bit of a fit about the lack of courtesy and knocking on doors. If we ever want to sneak in something not on the regular schedule we always must ask our primaries permission, making sure they're ok with it and that there's no hurt feelings or scheduling issue. I'm SO tired of feeling like they're the ones who get to decide when I can see my boyfriend I could scream.
Your boyfriend needs to say something and so should you. Politely but firmly. They need to come to grips with their feelings it is not your job to ensure their emotional security.

We have NEVER had a sleepover, nor a vacation (or even a weekend getaway) together and we've been together for over 2.5 years. My husband can get a bit jealous even now sometimes and I find that my bf's wife can be a bit invasive on occasion. She doesn't mean anything by it but she really likes me and often wants to be a part of what we do. Since I don't get much alone time with him as is, I find this extremely hard to deal with. I love my boyfriend very much and I want him to continue to be a part of my life but it feels like our relationship will never grow into more, yet he and I both want it to. And that's a hard thing to swallow...
Again you need to put your foot down. If you want it ask for it. If your boyfriend is unwilling to fight for you then maybe it is time to decide if you can handle this situation forever. My relationships are separate but equal. It is doable. I do not allow either my husband or boyfriend to pull rank.

The needs and wants of the secondaries are often just not considered as important. The primaries don't need to check with the secondaries about anything but as secondaries, we can't go catch a freaking movie without clearing it with 3 people and possibly ending up having to take some of them along because they'd LOVE to go too. I wish that the considerations flowed both ways. My boyfriend means as much to me as my husband and I'm sure I do to him as well. But the reality is that we have to make do with what's left after our live-in mates and families are all happy and taken care of and we're supposed to be THANKFUL that we're allowed to even see each other. Geez, thanks, I guess..
You get treated only as badly as you allow others to treat you. If you do not want them to go SAY NO.
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
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