Originally Posted by redpepper
its been a year of development into Mono deciding to try out poly. Go back to last June (2012) and read from there. First it was admitting love development with his friend swearing he could only ever love her and me. Then he went about it thinking that cheating would be the answer. An open relationship where we would have a don't ask don't tell policy. I didn't agree to that so he had a relationship of some kind anyway with a woman from my sons school. That didn't pan out and I heard more of the details of it when he met T. Its been a few weeks of my full realization of his story in terms secrets and deception, his subsequent decision to be honest and try poly, and to try it with T. I'm catching up with a year long story that I wasn't fully made part of or aware of and grappling with his possible new relationship. I'm getting there, but I believe I have a right to take the time I need and be grieving as I am. I have lost what I know. He has changed long ago but for me its really new. Or at least his full disclosure of it is.
I had to pause a few times before submitting the below. But, having seen this type of thing play out so very often in these forums, I'd like to give you the courtesy of honesty without sugar coating (which I think you occasionally get from others too concerned about offending you, or who desire to be agreeable).
So I read a good deal of it (skimmed really) and while I can see many spots where Mono avoids talking to you, I don't actually see a 'cheating' partner. At least as far as I can tell without reading a complete volume. I see lots of repeating lines of text about you being negatively emotional about him, frankly. Which is all well and good, but what he actually did (not what he thought about or didn't want to discuss, or felt but didn't convey) to earn such a response I don't understand. Mono did not strike me as a cheater, but more so someone who didn't articulate inner change very well. Cautiously silent. Avoids hurting others, but not a malevolent cheating prick like a lot of other fools who come and go on this site.
I get that he talked to someone, developed feelings, and didn't want to talk to you about it. That's out in the open. You know what you need to know. You're not in control of him, or her. And if they go for it and fall in love, you're likely not going to play well with her being part of it. And she probably knows that, if she's intelligent (I assume she's not stupid). Too late to stop it now though. You know that, right?
Anyway, it seems like aside from this he's done a pretty good job being there for you, your family, and trying to hold on while you live your life full steam with him, and without him. Being one of a quartet (or quintet) of relationship options did not make him flee (which is pretty cool, actually). What's going on now, if you're remotely conveying a continuing streak of distrust and paranoia, coupled with his avoidances and bunker mentality with problems (and new person to turn to if he wants to), if you're continually showing even a third of the feelings you write about in here....well the outlook is not good, RP. Both of you are making the future easily predictable.