I'm sorry that scheduling is such a hard thing for all of you but I have to say I get really really tired of it being a lumped in problem. This is a problem in YOUR situation. It does not mean all primary partners are like that, it does not mean that people in established relationships automatically lord that over other people.
MY DH is mono and he works so incredibly hard to be a supportive partner and is more poly minded than a lot of poly folks I see around here! Yet I know he feels badly when these kinds of things get posted. So let's not just lump ALL primaries in one boat, or ALL established relationships.
It may FEEL like this is just how it is and must be how ALL secondary relationships are but it's not. Saying so is much like saying every time you've met a black person they've been rude so ALL black people are just rude. Or every gay man you meet is bitchy queen so ALL gay men are bitchy queens. Those kinds of all or nothings wouldn't fly so I don't think these all or nothing primary/secondary issues should either.
There, my rant.
Me: Late 30s pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 19 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +4 year