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Old 05-20-2013, 09:08 PM
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LadyC LadyC is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
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Default waking up with my arms around her is the best kind of awesome.

J update <3

Had lunch Saturday... Turned into an afternoon and then supper, and then a full night out together. She really did not want to leave my side (swoooooooon).

Got to talking about the past year and a half.. it was incredible, it was like we didn't even leave each other really. I am myself 100% honest and true in her company.

I had high hopes for her counselling abilities, and I felt a little disappointed when all she could say about my horrendous breakup with B was "you lasted longer than I could, in a long distance relationship" Makes me question myself and my abilities again, almost like it was a situation doomed to failure and how could I have agreed to it in the first place? But she WAS able to help me see that perhaps B wasn't actually "the best relationship of my life" and I might have put too many eggs into his basket off the start. At the point of our breakup we had only had 5.5 months of face time together. I try to justify my long term commitment to him with everything we learned about one another over the phone... but somehow, I feel J may be right in that we just didn't know each other enough to come out of it okay.

J's new BF does not know she is bi! She feels she cannot tell him because his last two relationships ended BOTH with the woman leaving him for: another woman. >_>

I think this is a recipe for disaster.

I asked if she had any intentions of telling him she was into girls BEFORE he came along?! She really had no answer. I asked her does she plan on telling him about me?! That answer was a definite no.

He is scared of commitment now (understandably) and J is frustrated with the way he is "never really around" or seems to "not care" what she is up to. (she spent Saturday night with me, at my house, in my bed.... He wasn't in touch with her at all to say goodnight, good morning, what are you up to? Did you get home safe?). I also came to find out her closest guy friend is driving her to drop the new BF, for reasons unknown to me. They have been together 6 months.

I told her I do not want to be a dividing agent in their relationship.. I was a perfect Lady all night and kept my distance, I tried to be respectful of her new BF. But then she came at me and I couldn't keep my hands off of her...

I feel guilty now. I tried to apologize if she is now put in an awkward position with him. She seems to be unaffected by our reunion as far as he is concerned.

I really am not sure how much right I have to making J tell her new man about me.. I am trying to be done with secrecy and hidden closet meetings. She does want to see me again, we click together magically, but I don't want to be her dirty little secret on the side of her primary relationship. I KNOW how badly that ends, and I hate not having any security with her.

... sigh.

JK came over after she left Sunday morning. We had a long talk about my reunion with J. He could see how happy I was, and this in turn made him happy for me, but I could sense he was nervous and uneasy.

I took the time to let him know what it is about him that makes me attracted to him, and the ways that she is different to make sure he understood there wasn't a competition going on here. We talked for a long time about how it was new and different for him. I made sure he could ask me anything and gave him honest answers.

After our chat he was looking more relaxed, and somehow sexier in this new light. We had an amazing little reunion of our own, and joked about how happy I am as a hinge, being shared with "Jsquared" in my life.

I just can't shake the feeling that being with J right now is counter productive to what I am trying to achieve.
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Where is the hurry?

It is very pleasant to stand here talking; and life is so short and insecure that I would not hurry away from any pleasures - no, not even from one so mild as this.
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