Originally Posted by Cleo
I have truly been obsessing about C the past couple of months, ever since he seriously started dating Molly. My fear of abandonment really hit the roof and I feel very insecure and unsafe around him. I have been thinking it is MY insecurities I need to work on, and of course this is true. But I think the way he is handling it all, is telling me things about him that may mean that our partnership is no longer bringing me what I want from it.
It just seems like the fun is gone. We see each other every 12 days or so. In between we communicate, but it's mostly 'hey I'm thinking of you' ' love you' ' hey I read that book you mentioned' type of communication. And in the mean time big things happen (like, he had a date with Molly he was dreading, because he said he wanted to tell her he wants to see her less, or, the fact that I slept with BGuy) that we don't talk about until we see each other in person. Which means that when we do see each other in person, there is so much talking and emotional processing to do, that the part where we are supposed to enjoy each other, seems to be missing.
I suppose to me it feels like our relationship has shifted and changed, but I am the only one who is struggling to find a new balance. He is struggling to find a balance in his relation with Molly, but seems to think that WE are 'okay', and that nothing has changed between us, where as for me it has.
The fact that he is now fluid bonded with her, and that him and I are not having PIV sex anymore (and most likely never will - these are his words, not my pessimism) is a major thing to me. She is in his city, is becoming a part of his daily life, meeting his friends and family. And I think I would feel so much better if he would just figure out what he wants with her instead of telling me he's in a committed relationship with her one week, and telling me maybe they should break up because he wants his freedom, the next.
AARRGHHH I just don't know, all I know is I don't feel light and loving anymore when thinking of him, but heavy and full of angst. And it's not even fear of losing him anymore, it's more like fear of being in a relationship that is not bringing me joy.
Maybe the solution would be to stop talking about the heavy stuff for a bit.. just to try and get the fun back? I don't know.
I'm in a very similar situation. My boyfriend, who had been single the majority of the time I have dated him, started dating someone at the end of February. Though they had just meet and it sounds like C has known Molly a while, they hit it off amazingly well immediately. He didn't fluid bond with her without talking to me first, but it was very much desired and I felt very much like he thought I was getting in the way of the development of this possibly primary relationship for him (I'm married so while I divided my time pretty evenly, he felt secondary). He has such an intense bond with this woman and things went so fast that I felt scared and confused, especially at the beginning.
I thought we were doing better, he thought I was still being needy and clingy so two weeks ago when I asked for reassurance, things kind of blew up. I have no idea where we stand right now. We've gone from seeing each other a few times a week to having one date night, with no idea if I'll sleep over or just head home after a few hours (I'd been sleeping at his place at least once a week since the beginning of 2012, with it being 3 times a week at the beginning of this year). I'm trying so hard to make these weekly dates just fun, so we can get back to enjoying each other's company. But it's hard not to make them about issues, because we aren't really talking between them (not even as much as you and C, there were a few days last week no communication happened and the rest of the days were mostly just basic communication like what time we were getting together the next day and could you take care of something I forgot to do at your house). I feel lost and confused as to were our relationship is going. It's hard to go from at least telling each other you love each other every day to not communicating much and not saying that anymore.
I guess I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in struggling with abandonment issues. I'm right there with you. I do think it'll help to try to enjoy your time with him and not spend all of it talking about emotionally laden topics.