need to get my thoughts in order. Hopefully writing here will help.
A couple days ago Ren and I were talking about something that might or might not happen a year from now, and he said: would you tell C about that if it happened?
And I said 'Of course' but while I said it I felt like a gut reaction, a flash of clarity going through my brain, that said to me: maybe, quite possibly, a year from now, C will no longer have a position in my life where he needs to be told such things.
It was an instinctive reaction which is all the more reason I'm taking it very seriously and have been thinking about it ever since.
I have truly been obsessing about C the past couple of months, ever since he seriously started dating Molly. My fear of abandonment really hit the roof and I feel very insecure and unsafe around him. I have been thinking it is MY insecurities I need to work on, and of course this is true. But I think the way he is handling it all, is telling me things about him that may mean that our partnership is no longer bringing me what I want from it.
It just seems like the fun is gone. We see each other every 12 days or so. In between we communicate, but it's mostly 'hey I'm thinking of you' ' love you' ' hey I read that book you mentioned' type of communication. And in the mean time big things happen (like, he had a date with Molly he was dreading, because he said he wanted to tell her he wants to see her less, or, the fact that I slept with BGuy) that we don't talk about until we see each other in person. Which means that when we do see each other in person, there is so much talking and emotional processing to do, that the part where we are supposed to enjoy each other, seems to be missing.
I suppose to me it feels like our relationship has shifted and changed, but I am the only one who is struggling to find a new balance. He is struggling to find a balance in his relation with Molly, but seems to think that WE are 'okay', and that nothing has changed between us, where as for me it has.
The fact that he is now fluid bonded with her, and that him and I are not having PIV sex anymore (and most likely never will - these are his words, not my pessimism) is a major thing to me. She is in his city, is becoming a part of his daily life, meeting his friends and family. And I think I would feel so much better if he would just figure out what he wants with her instead of telling me he's in a committed relationship with her one week, and telling me maybe they should break up because he wants his freedom, the next.
AARRGHHH I just don't know, all I know is I don't feel light and loving anymore when thinking of him, but heavy and full of angst. And it's not even fear of losing him anymore, it's more like fear of being in a relationship that is not bringing me joy.
Maybe the solution would be to stop talking about the heavy stuff for a bit.. just to try and get the fun back? I don't know.
In other, much better, news, my house and bed and body and kitchen are all prepped for a visit from MrBrown
Ren is going away with Lou for the night and MrB is coming over for dinner and a sleepover. He hasn't been to my house since August. I'm REALLY looking forward to seeing him and talking to him, I know he will be able to help me sort through my feelings around C.