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Old 01-20-2010, 07:32 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,723

hi Mr. mom, I'm sorry you are going through this. There has been a lot written on this forum about cheating and affairs. I hope you take the time to not only read some of the threads but search out other threads with a similar story to yours. There have been a few if not many.

As far as I am concerned she fucked up big time and if I were you I would be very angry. Assuming you are angry, anger can be a very moving emotion if directed. It can move relationships into far deeper forms and create wonderful things. It is up to you and her if you chose to do that. I'm sure a poly friendly therapist could help with that.

I'm glad to hear she is asking for something now and has decided to have integrity and do the right thing by that. I feel for her in that she has probably been going crazy with this and feels terrible, but that doesn't mean that it is forgivable at this point. You are very entitled to your feelings of hurt, abandonment, anger, confusion, resentment if you are feeling that... not to mention the damage to your sense of worth and self esteem. You both have a lot of work to do to heal all that. It will take years, speaking from experience, or a life time even. Unless you are good at coming back from something like that. As others have said, it either works or it doesn't. I'm sorry to have to say, but I have only seen that it doesn't work. Apparently others make it work or have seen others make it work for them in terms of arrangements after an affair.

It sounds like a good sit down chat and some plotting out of your futures together is in great need. I hope that you will consider thinking about what you want in terms of freedom in your relationship to have your own time and space. Nerdist, my husband finds that this is an area that creates lonliness and makes him feel like he isn't included as he is the one who stays home with the boy quite often and I go to my boyfriends house (Mono) twice a week. Also leaving him alone.

Also I would hope you would consider meeting this man, getting to know him, find out what he wants and talk about their NRE. If this is in fact what they want for their futures then I would suggest a chunk of time before making some huge decisions to include him in your lives. I am finding there is no better way to balance out everyones lives than to include everyone in the drama. If this man wants to be in your wifes life then he also has to be in yours in my opinion. Why should he live drama free and get all the fun times with your wife while you two just get heartache and drama.

I also have found that NRE has to be good an over before making choices that effect your kids and yourself. Otherwise it could be a flash in the pan and they could be leading you down the path that's just a song and dance. Not that they would do that on purpose, but that is just the way of NRE. I have found that NRE goes in stops and starts as it comes near the end... don't necessarily think it's over and dead in one fell swoop, as if something happens and it's done... it doesn't seem to work like that.

I think that some time away, just the two of you, would help you re-connect and for you to get some of your needs met in terms of closeness in order to feel okay again in your worth to her. Lots of cuddling, holding, head stroking, these things work for me, I'm sure you know what works for you.

Lastly is the communication. Your wife has invited you to be completely open and honest with her and if you turn back from that something will be missed and the relationship will suffer even more in my opinion. Now is the time to tell her everything and anything that has been going on for you, put it all on the table and dare to dream about what you want to do with your life. This could be a wonderful gift to both of you.

Good luck, again, there is lots to read on here! Both of you reading it together may be a big bonding experience.
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