Though it is the wee hours of the AM, it is a new day, and I have been given the chance to get another thing or ten right. I am quite happy but insomnia is a wicked bitch. I have had a whirlwind few days. Partying with my loved ones on Saturday lead to my legs hurting from Sunday morning to now. We all enjoyed the long weekend and all of the festivities that followed Thursday evening. We were surrounded by family, so it was great. Sans my mum's attitude and snappy mood from time to time.
I have been in contact with Matt since he left Thursday morning. Yesterday was the last day of the conference. He will be home tonight, and we have many things to discuss upon his return. He decided to stay another night and take part in the social events/sightseeing. I have missed him, and it is true that absence makes the heart grow fonder. I know he needed a break from Wackyville and the drama of our lives. Things are much calmer, but they are still not quite at a "normal" level. Whatever that means.
I have been spending quite a bit of time with my children. I am planning my son's first birthday party. That has been an adventure of sorts. We had a dinner and movie night on Thursday. We ate junk food and watched Disney/Pixar movies. It was nice to just bond with them and talk to my daughter. They have been sleeping in our bed since Thursday night. I have loved being with them. I am grateful that my new job and schedule will allow me to have more time with them.
Si spent the night Saturday for our weekly movie night. It had already been cleared with Matt. He can care less what I do with my time when he is gone. The only stipulation outside of the obvious ones were things pertaining to our children. She is transitioning from third parent to more of an aunt role. So far, there have been no bumps in the road.
It was nice to have her around. Nothing happened. She slept in one of the guest bedrooms. We just talked, watched movies, and had a relaxing evening. We attended a morning Mass with my children after breakfast. It was cloudy for most of the day, and it cleared up some around 4ish. We attended the Chocolate Brunch at Pearl, while my little duckies were napping.
I am feeling pretty good about everything lately. I have noticed a huge difference in the way I communicate with people. I am finally listening and taking their feelings into consideration. Overall, my marriage and my friendship with her are healthier and on much better terms. Ideally, minimal stress is best.
I have been thinking about quite a few things recently. A biggie...my ex and I broke up the last weekend in March. I have read the stages of grief, and I have not experienced a single one. I know the romantic side of our relationship ended. I am not blaming her or even myself. Some things are beyond our control. I am not sad about it ending. Yes, I miss her, but I am not bargaining to get her back, promising to change, or anything along those lines. As of this moment, I have not shed one tear. I have accepted that we may never be together again.
Our lives were intertwined for years, but I have felt no grief. I have never experienced heartbreak, so I cannot even say I am going through that. I am not in pain. It is not hard or uncomfortable for me to be around her. I rather enjoy being around her.
My mum said that I am very independent and have never been dependent on people. I love them, but I do not entrust them to be my all and everything. She also said that my lack of grief might stem from knowing that I made the right decision because at the time, it was not healthy for anyone involved. It was the right decision that lead to many paths of discovery. If Si were to tell me that she was ready for a relationship with someone else, she would have my support. I know that seems odd, but I would be genuinely happy for her and supportive. I only want her to be happy and healthy in all aspects.
When it is all said and done, I believe we might end up back together. I am not really sure how to feel about that. I know Matt's feelings regarding it. Right now, I would not have his support, understanding, or acceptance. I think tolerance is even too much to ask or expect at this point. I am not sure it would even be worth it. I just do not feel like I just have to be in more than one relationship. It was nice, but my heart is not bursting to find more people to accommodate it. I often find myself reading various threads and wondering, "At what point do these people say I have enough relationships, and I am satisfied/happy?"
I have been honest with her regarding my feelings every step of the way. I do feel like I am keeping her suspended in mid-air while she waits for me to get myself together and make a decision. I do feel like that is unfair of me and kind of selfish. I have not asked her to put her life on hold, and the last thing I want is for her to put her all into me and to get let down. It is a messed up situation either way you look at it. I dislike that I am still no closer to figuring out what I am going to do or what is "right" for me. I just feel like I should have some idea at this point, but the answer is hidden.
I do know that I prefer to continue working on my marriage, rebuilding the trust, learning the art of effective communication, and maintain [one] healthy relationship with a solid foundation and overall structure before trying to balance two. Matt needs consistency, trust, stability, and better management of time (e.g. not a 20% wife). He needs those things before he will even entertain the notion of growing to accept (tolerate) another relationship. If it means being mono for now or possibly for good, I will be okay with that. My family is more important than my want for another relationship that could kill something that means everything to me.
Once those things are accomplished, I might have an answer to whether poly is the right path for me again. Will it fit into my new life and structure? Who knows? For now, I am enjoying our not just friends and not quite lovers arrangement. I am thankful for her being understanding an supportive in the efforts to repair our marriage and keep our family together.
Transparency has been one hell of a challenge and beyond rough. I am peeved about having to open up and confess every little thing. I prefer doing it my way--omitting the parts that I consider "no biggie." It has not been embarrassing, but I hate feeling vulnerable. I consider that a sign of weakness, and opening up my heart and spilling my innermost thoughts is just plain uncomfortable. Especially when I am the only one doing it. I digress. I dug this hole for myself, and if it is what needs to be done to earn his trust back, I will have to bite the bullet and deal. No sense in bitching about it or complaining.
In other happy news, there might be something HUGE
on the horizon. I am not quite ready to say anything until I have solid confirmation, but it is a wonderful surprise. I am looking forward to the next chapters in my life.
I am off to attempt to get some rest. I hope everyone had a great weekend.