Originally Posted by Ariakas
How do you deal with having a lover become a friend. With having someone who you have fallen in love with, only be a friend (ok I know I am walking into a wall with that statement)...just curious because I am having a really difficult time just being friends with someone who, even while standing there, miss greatly.
Will try to share an insight to this question - with some influence from your later post hinting at the fact that her feelings were not as deep as yours (and maybe your wife's?).
You "deal" by remembering what "love" really is. It's something we "give" rather than receive. And somehow that's still REALLY painful sometimes. But if we really 'love' someone, we want what's best for THEM - their happiness & fulfillment.
Later you said:"girl...hmmm...she says she became uncomfortable (without any warning or pretense)
Without knowing what this "discomfort" was - and unless you really know -it's hard to elaborate more, but sufficient to say that she didn't see herself in the same role you saw her in. If it were me - I'd only just want to know what that difference was. I have seen cases where is was more about practicality than philosophy. Knowing more allows discussion on more options.
I hate to see a series of events like this go down simply out of the whole 'primary/secondary' terminology/mindset. (reference that debate in another thread here) I would only hope some discussion took place about the viability of you all living and loving together as a unit. Because of the culture we live in there's often a hidden assumption that a 'primary' pairing is imperative at some point. If she felt her role in your life would always be relegated to some 'secondary' position - well - that's just a position very few people feel comfortable with. There are definitely some creative ways to get around 98% of those roadblocks - in case everyone's not aware of that.
On the other hand - she may have actually been more comfortable in that role and sensed (or knew) that your desire/view was just beyond her capacity.
And of course - it may be you just weren't compatible in bed ! That happens too.