I've been reading and participating here and there, and I think it is time to start writing my story. Hopefully that will help me settle things in my mind and help me cope with my situation.
Some background; when I met my husband I was in an open relationship with someone else. Sex was ok, feelings were not. So the moment I fell in love with my (now) husband, I broke it off with my boyfriend.
Best decision I've ever made
. We are together now for 9 years, married for 7. The marriage was just a formality, we needed the signed paper. However, in our minds and hearts the commitment (feeling wise, not meant exclusivity) that usually comes with marriage has been present since the very beginning.
We have had an open relationship since the very beginning. Not that we actually did anything with it, except a few threesomes and my husband had a few sexual things whenever I was away for a few weeks (I live in a different country then my birth country, so sometimes I went to visit my family).
In my mind, multiple relationships and loving multiple people at the same time has always been a possibility. In his mind it hasn't. So, the "rule" was to only be ok with sex, no feelings. When feelings happen it is not betrayal yet, just to break it off right then and there.
Since I don't feel the same way, but it didn't bother me either I never had that "rule" for him. He imposed that on himself.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago; a good friend of his that he has known for about 3 years confessed that she was falling for him. I know her, she knows me, and she mainly told him so that he would be aware of her drawing away or acting weird for a bit while she was sorting out her feelings.
Of course when he told me my first reaction was "and what do you feel about her?"
I knew already (from their texts and the way that he talks about and to her) that he cared a lot for her, but simply wasn't admitting it to himself.
Long story short, they decided (with my full encouragement and support) to give it a go.
In general, I love that he is in love. I think it is absolutely adorable how he is when he talks about her. How he talks to her on the phone. I also love that it has given our own sex life a new impulse, has made him more present to our relationship, and in general I just love that he is happy.
The big issue here is that I am pregnant. Planned and wanted very much, we waited and talked for about 2 years before making the decision. I am very very happy to start this family. And I have no issues with her being part of this family somewhere in the future as Aunty.
The difficulty is hormones. Hormones make me cry myself to sleep whenever he doesn't spend the night with me. I have always slept very poorly when he isn't with me (on business trips) and being tired and hormonal isn't helping at all.
Another issue is a difference in how we see being poly. For my husband and the girlfriend it is great as it is going at the moment. Keeping things completely separate. They date and have their dating life, going out, seeing each other etc. and my husband and I have our home life, go out, and go on like business as usual.
I personally prefer if we could have some time with the three of us as well. Just hanging out, nothing sexual. Not even every single time, or even every week, just every now and then to go out for dinner together and then they can go and spend the night together, or he drops her off at home and spends the night with me, whatever is the case.
I know that being poly is very difficult for my husband. He understands now that loving multiple people is possible and actually ok, but he still feels awkward about it, still feels like he is cheating on me.
I understand that it is difficult for her as well. She feels like "the other woman". We talked and she knows she has my full support and blessing, but you don't simply erase years and years of cultural and social conditioning.
For what it is worth, she is not jealous, it is just the social stigma that bothers her.