In January I met a couple online I will call MR and MRS and had plans to go away with them, behind JKs back, on a vacation. We hooked up one night in a hotel, meet n greet, and they wanted to have me long term, talking about building a life together and experimenting with polyamory together. They hit a nerve with a fantasy I have always had: to be taken away by a couple and brought into their relationship, forming a sexy triad. They backed out last minute, and wouldn't have me in their future for many reasons, long distance being the main issue.
I am a terrible liar. I really suck at keeping secrets. JK found out, found all the emails. He read them. He confronted me about it 3 weeks ago, I denied and finally confessed. He forgave me because he understands that I am struggling with a lot over the past year. But I do not know why I felt I had to hide it from him, so that he would stay with me, given that I cannot commit to him?!?!? Ugh. What a mess.
Meanwhile J got back from Australia in December. I knew she was back, but I was tilted mentally and emotionally that I didn't reach out to her until just last week. (side note - we are having lunch TOMORROW -I am SO NERVOUS and EXCITED to see her and reconnect - but she is dating a new guy and says we can only be friends. I do not know how much this new guy knows about J or his position on her having a GF).
I have been honest about J with JK, and I asked JK for his blessing in my desire to reconnect with J now that I feel I can handle her in my life once again. He is supportive. He knows all about her and wants me to rekindle my relationship with her. This is the first bit of relief I have felt in a year. I am SO thankful to have the opportunity to reconnect with someone who made me feel so much love and potential, who gave me so much understanding.
I have firmly decided to remain SINGLE, and without any kind of a relationship "status". I do not know what I am yet still capable of. I do not want to go through another breakup at all. All breakups are hard, but with B it was different. I was letting go of a life with him, of our dreams together, everything. I was devastated for the first time in my life when B left me, unlike anyone before him. It was usually me doing the walking in the past.
I have had to put in a lot of work emotionally and mentally understanding where I went wrong this time and WHY it was different from all the others. My progress is slow (I still lied to JK about MR and MRS) but I am working at it each day.
Sometimes I see myself alone until the end of my days, other times I see myself in a community with love all around me. I just want to love and be loved and be happy in life outside of the box called ''normal''.
Where is the hurry?
It is very pleasant to stand here talking; and life is so short and insecure that I would not hurry away from any pleasures - no, not even from one so mild as this.