Originally Posted by pollyanna
I think 'do unto others'...is still a good policy.
I think "Golden rule" is a good back up policy if I don't know how to "platinum rule" the person yet. But I think it is better to ASK them so I can go with their platinum rule and "treat the person how THEY want to be treated" by me. That is even better than golden rule -- "treating the person how I want to be treated."
Because I could not assume they want, need or like the things I do. They are not ME. Part of the whole "get to know you" process.
I might like DH bringing me (coffee with cream and sugar.) But if I try to give him
a golden rule (coffee, cream, sugar) because that is what I like? Instead if bringing him a platinum rule (sugar, black)? He will look at me really funny and not drink it. We are both better off if I get him a (sugar, black).
Then we are both doing platinum rule toward each other. Treating the other one how THEY want to be treated.
Originally Posted by sandra
So far our relationship model has been to put the needs and wants of the other person ahead of our own. This worked for us, because we both did the same thing, so it balanced out very well for us.
Adding a new person to the mix and it becomes more difficult. I realized that I'm still in the mode of putting my husbands needs and wants (and therefor hers) before my own. It is something I'll work on, because you are right, I have to set my own boundaries.
Which is why I like to operate from "Put my own oxygen mask on first, platinum rule the rest next." I can't help anyone else well if I am broken or overextending myself past my own limits. If everyone operates that way, all people are getting their wants/needs/limits met most of the time. Even me!
Originally Posted by opalescent
What I think people mean when they say someone is selfish is that the person is not doing something they want them to do, is not meeting their needs.
Well, it is a common enough litmus move for a selfish person to call someone ELSE selfish because the word is so charged the person might rush to meet the need at their own expense to "prove" how unselfish they are. But really for the selfish person? It's a double win if they comply. They got their thing, and now they know exactly what putton to push to try to get it again next time.
Just easier to say "No. Not willing and able at this time."