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Old 01-20-2010, 06:14 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900

Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Ok..I have retyped this 3 times...I am hesitent to post, because...well I am...

How do you deal with having a lover become a friend. With having someone who you have fallen in love with, only be a friend (ok I know I am walking into a wall with that statement)...just curious because I am having a really difficult time just being friends with someone who, even while standing there, miss greatly.

I've had that experience twice. What helped for me was to start off with a strong and explicit commitment on the part of both of us to work on building a friendship. After that commitment is made explicitly, then it's good to have some distance in the beginning. It sort of allows all those raw feelings to start to heal and not get ripped open again every time you see the person. In one case we agreed to give ourselves a month before starting contact and that we would first start contacting each other online through messaging chat. That way we could sort out more of those strong feelings while still keeping a bit of distance. We kept chatting until we felt those close bonds of friendship starting to grow. Then we agreed to start meeting up. When we met up, there were still feelings to sort through and there were still things that were hard, but I found that I could now bring that pain to him as a friend rather than a jilted lover and that was enormously healing.

He is still a huge presence in my life and I treasure and value that relationship as it is. It also feels like exactly where our relationship should be and that feels wonderful, even with the pain in our past.

The other time it happened, we did maintain a friendship but sort of drifted apart after not very long.

Hope some of that helps.
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