I am sorry you are hurting.
If measuring against dimensions of wellness?
You seem to have two issues:
- Environmental wellness . Because at this time you choose to cohabitate in a less than nurturing environment.
- Social wellness. Because you meet other people needs/requests but not your own. You are not in balance at “self full”on the spectrum of
(selfish – all about me at the expense of others) ↔ (self-full: met my own needs and other's needs) ↔ (selfless – all about others at the expense of me)
- Could learn how to become “self full” -- http://www.communicatingwithheart.com/?p=899
- Could ask your poly people if they are willing to help meet your environmental health needs to help co-create a healthier home life there. OR...
- Could find a new flat to help you solve the healthier home life issue yourself.
Could pick the one you can achieve faster to do first.
Love is not a rock, a thing to have or not. It is a VERB. An action to DO. We keep doing loving behaviors toward the people we care about because there's a continued return on our investment that makes it worthwhile -- usually reciprocity or some other satisfactory exchange.
If the relationship is one-sided, where one gets all the receiving? You run the risk of going bone dry. It appears you are drying up. You are unsatisfied.
So who exactly meets YOUR needs in this picture? Nobody. Not even you.
- How do you demonstrate loving behavior to yourself when you choose to stay in an unhealthy home environment?
- How do you demonstrate loving behavior to yourself when you choose to operate from “self less” rather than “self full?”
You could consider doing loving behavior to you
Could correct your treatment of yourself and see if that also could help you feel better. If you don't want to feel "second class" could stop treating yourself "second class" and could stop keeping yourself/staying in environments that classify you as "second class."
Could consider if you like polyshipping but NOT in a primary-secondary kind of model.
and negotiate for change.
Could deal with it one thing at a time. Could fix your environmental wellness first tho. That's seems like the "fastest to fix for biggest immediate return" to me.
GL on the job hunt - hopefully something turns up so you can move forward in other ways.
My 2 cents,