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Old 05-15-2013, 08:15 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083
Default Take baby steps

Originally Posted by zombiecupcake View Post
We tried to discuss boundaries and what we were comfortable with. It seemed like we would discuss what we were comfortable with and then step back and then be unsure if we really were.
Congrats on having your first serious discussion where wants, needs, and boundaries are the topic. Way to go! Now, do not think that a handful of conversations about threesomes and "sharing" people is all you need to jettison yourselves into having multiple partners. This is a positive step, but still an unsure, tentative, exploratory step! Some couples can take a year or two, or even longer, to deeply discuss issues and examine all their fears and dreams before ever starting to embark on actually having or pursuing additional partners. There must be a strong foundation first, because polyamory is about a whole lot more than just sex and hooking up.

I would say your next steps are to give yourselves permission to be confused and to not make any decisions yet. Take time with exploring what you want. You both may have opinions and feelings and fantasies that will swing back and forth from one extreme to another. Don't let it get too heavy.

Maintain a positive outlook and keep reassuring hubby of your love and appreciation of him. Find some poly books, such as Opening Up by Tristan Taormino (excellent!) and Polyamory in the 21st Century by Deborah Anapol (I do not recommend The Ethical Slut), and read a chapter together once a week. Read the books, write questions down, research them, come back and talk about your feelings. Both of you may also want to thoughtfully answer the questions in Tristan Taormino's "Self Evaluation" form, which you can find here:

Finally, please don't follow along a path of thinking of polyamory as "adding" a person to your relationship. Nor should your goal be to "share" someone before you've even met the person - you don't know yet what they would want! If you start off with that mindset, will get you smacked down right quick, because it comes across as treating people like appendages to what you and hubby have. Not that that is what you want, but it can seem that way to others if you approach poly that way. Always keep in mind that anyone else that either of you get involved with will be a person in their own right and will have their own boundaries, dreams, feelings, and desires which must also be respected - you might not meet anyone who wants to be "added" or "shared," but you might meet people who will happily be partners with you.

Good luck and remember to take things slowly!
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

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Last edited by nycindie; 05-15-2013 at 09:54 PM.
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