Thanks Ry, sending those good vibes your way too. We have to take responsibility for our actions and realise we can make the right choices if we try.
I was speaking with Nisha last night, and I told her how I didn't trust myself. The thing I'm most scared of is that she'l forgive me and I'll do it again. I told her that perhaps not trusting myself was a good thing, that because I didn't I'd keep a closer eye on myself and what I do, perhaps preventing doing shitty things in the future...
But Nisha said that was absolute bullshit.
She said that it was BECAUSE I didn't trust myself that I fucked up and did those things in the first place.
And I thought about it and I actually agree... I need to trust and prove to myself that I can make the right choices and that I'm not a helpless passenger riding these situations.
I have to trust myself because if I don't, then how can anybody else?
Things are much better with us two again, but it's not back to the way things were. She hasn't forgiven me yet but we talk a lot, really deep meaningful talks. Put away our egos and insecurities and just express ourselves and listen to each other. We've started writing down some "rules" which we think can help prevent communication breakdowns in the future. We kiss and we've been having some insane soul connecting sex!
The thing is, she's my best friend and I am hers, and no matter where we go or what we decide to do after all our talking, we'll always be there for each other.
I know I have to trust myself again but I find it so hard, I can't imagine how hard Nisha must be finding it. But I need to build that trust because until I do, I don't know what I want from all this... I want things to go back to the way they were but it might never happen. And if that's the case, that there's just too much damage to be repaired, then going our own ways seems to make sense. But I know that leaving her would make me miserable and her too... so my thoughts just go round and round... just so tired with all the thinking...
My heart says "love her, do the work and build that trust and never hurt her again". My head questions if I have what it takes to do that...