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Old 05-15-2013, 03:49 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Pennsyl-tucky
Posts: 1,088
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Hello and Welcome!

Thank you for sharing your story, thus far, with us.

I have a few comments that you may (or may not) find helpful - I chop and paste your post a bit to make them - please correct me if that ends up taking anything out of context.

Easy things first:

Quote:
Originally Posted by shrivelwood View Post
So what I guess I really wanna know... is it okay to love 2 people at once? and why should it always have to come down to a choice? I mean, I would never turn my back on my fiancÚ! but in a "traditional" relationship, if one person develops feelings for another it usually signifies they no longer love the original person which ultimately leads to a break up.
You are on a poly board so many of us here (me included) are going to say "YES! it is okay to love 2 people at once. It does NOT always have to come to a choice." Actually, even in many "monogamous" pairings people recognize that you CAN love more than one person - but the "boundaries" of the relationship preclude one from ACTING on that feeling. (Which is a whole 'nother topic of conversations - is "emotional cheating" the same as "sexual infidelity"?)

Having said that, it seems that not everyone is capable of this - some people feel that they are "monogamously wired" and that feelings for another does signify that they no longer love their former love. In your current situation you may need to consider that perhaps your fiance and your "potential" may, in fact, be monogamously inclined (even if not sexually exclusive). So to say:

Quote:
Originally Posted by shrivelwood View Post
My fiancÚ trusts me as much as I trust her so she was able to tell me her worries, she confessed saying that she thinks she might get jealous of having to share me with another woman. But she seemed much happier when I explained she would be both our girlfriend, (hard to explain really, like there'd be Me & Wife, Me & Gf, Wife & Gf)...
- is actually a BIG jump. You seem to be poly-inclined and your fiance seems to be, at least, okay with exploring that. But your "potential" only confessed to loving YOU in the past and loving YOU now. So, from what you have written, the "How she feels about your fiance" question is still up in the air. Just because she has been interested in joining you guys in the bedroom does NOT necessarily mean that she is interested in having a "relationship" with your fiance.

For some people (me, for instance) sex and love are different matters - I am sometimes interested in having sex with people that I don't love and I sometimes love people that I won't have sex with. It's really nice when both happen with the same person/people, but, for me, this is not required.

It sounds like, correct me if I am wrong, that your "open" experiences with your fiance have been pretty "sex-focused" - drinking, strip poker, fantasy fulfillment, "find someone who will join us in the bedroom so we can experiment" - happy, happy, fun times...but not necessarily intimate or relationship-forming encounters (not that there is anything wrong with this!). Adding the "unrequited love" aspect between you and the "potential" adds a whole layer to the mix, especially since you:

Quote:
Originally Posted by shrivelwood View Post
(of course I haven't mentioned any of this to the girl because she's attempting to make her current relationship work, and to be honest i really need to be clear in my own mind about it before suggesting it lol)
She may just have wanted to get her old, closely held, feelings off of her chest. She may be more interested in forming a relationship with her new guy than pursuing a complicated arrangement with you two. She may be more interested in forming a relationship with you with occasional "sexy fun times" in a bedroom threesome with you and your fiance. The point is - you don't know until you talk to her about it.

Sure, talk to your fiance about what the two of you are comfortable trying...BUT realize that this "potential" will have ideas of her own. How flexible are you willing to be? What if, for instance, she is willing to try it out but only if her new interest is also involved (assuming he gets to the place where he is comfortable with this)? Are the two of you willing to be "part of their relationship" as well as "inviting this girl to be part of our relationship"? Tit for Tat? You willing to be "his" boyfriend (or your wife "his" girlfriend) in the same manner you are proposing that your "potential" be your fiance's girlfriend?

As for this:

Quote:
Originally Posted by shrivelwood View Post
It seems really arrogant for me to say this... But I genuinely feel that neither my fiancÚ or this other girl, will find anyone who will love them and care for them as much as I do, not to mention the added bonus of the bedroom antics.
I understand that, yes, you love and care for them A LOT, the maximum possible (in your estimation). BUT there are 7 billion + people on the planet...(most of whom we will never meet)...but, unless they are the next Hitler (in which case, why do you love them?)...the chances that they can find someone who can love and care for them AS MUCH AS you are statistically pretty fair. I found two, for me, 19 years apart...the next one may turn up tomorrow, or never. (To be utterly fair...this is actually their judgement to make, not yours...their priorities may be unfathomable to you...)

Don't know if this made a whole lot of sense...but those were my thoughts.

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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