View Single Post
  #2  
Old 05-15-2013, 01:50 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default Quite a predicament you've gotten yourself into there

I've had to learn the hard way to be careful of people who know you've had or have feelings for them that aren't mutual until it looks like you've moved on and suddenly they always had a secret crush on you. Of course it could go the other way and she really did love you all this time and she isn't being selfish or manipulative, so in the end only you guys will know for sure. It's either really good news or a sign to run like hell.

If there is next time all four of you get together, it might work out better if you talk about things and situations before they begin to get sexual. For some people that kills all of thrill of being spontaneous, or squashes the excitement of not knowing what's going to happen or if anything is going happen and that can be a problem for those who really like that thrill. And it is fun, but my experience is that when the people involved have deep emotional ties, letting things get sexual without ever even discussing how attractive you find someone's spouse, or that when you hugged them you almost found yourself automatically going in for a smooch because it just felt natural (or just anything to get a sense of whether or not they would be OK with that) but from my experience, letting it get sexual on it's own can cause panic and the person might back out and be offended even if they secretly wanted it to happen too (if she loved you the whole time and knew you liked her, you gotta wonder about a person who waits to say something until you are engaged and about to get married, I don't know to tell you, but some people get a little crazy when it comes to strong emotions)

who knows what the hell they are thinking, but I am convinced if it isn't something very casual and no emotions attached that it always works better if it's thoroughly discussed.

I don't have any statistics for you except to say it's what I have come to believe.

And not that a person should be coached or anything, but just so you know, will a little patience, empathy, honesty and a genuine concern for your partner's well being and happiness, just that plus being interested and or really listening to your partner is typically be much more love than most people are used to experiencing. So just a heads up because if a marriage and family counselor heard you say

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shrivel
....But I genuinely feel that neither my fiancÚ or this other girl, will find anyone who will love them and care for them as much as I do....
they tend to make note of such statements, even though it may be innocent, people that are emotionally abusive tend to tell their partners stuff like that so it will raise some flags.

In any event, I promise you that anybody is able to love nearly infinitely, but if you aren't reflective or consciously thinking about how your behavior effects your partner and their other partners, it is very easy to become oblivious to the harm that can be done all the while being "blinded " by love.

Sounds like your non-monogamy experience is either going to get really good, try to consciously steer it that way as they sometimes also end up really bad

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 05-15-2013 at 01:58 AM.
Reply With Quote