My children and I will be alone this weekend. Matt is off to St. Petersburg for a series of meetings. He will leaving tomorrow morning, and he will be gone until Monday night. I am on call all weekend, so I have to stay in the area. I miss him, and he has not even left, yet.
He was out last night, and I missed him quite terribly. We walked before he left and when he returned. We had a much needed heart to heart. I am going to fight that urge that I have to make Matt see things my way. I know that Si has been here in a parental role, but that is not what my husband wants. I cannot project my feelings and wishes on to him. I know that is the only thing we argue about, and you would think that I would be tired of arguing about the same old thing. Something has to give. The make-up sex is great, but it is unnecessary to keep arguing over the same thing when nothing is changes. I am willing to try his way. He is fair. He could have easily said, "I do not want her around them, and that is permanent." Then, we would really have something to argue over. I have to respect his wishes. They are not just my children, and if we ever want to move forward, compromise is a given. He has proposed that she continue to be involved in their lives but in a different capacity. I can respect that. She has been made aware, and I do not believe she has a problem with it. He seems to be happy that I have finally accepted one his compromises.
Even though we are weathering tough times, I have fallen more in love with my husband for sticking it out and trying to fight for our marriage. These days people just give up and say to hell with it. Compared to what I did, his part was minimal, and I do not blame him for ever feeling like he could not handle this. I have to accept fault and admit that I pushed him to that point.
When he was gone in March, it hit hard and humbled me. I cried more than I ever have in my 32 years of living. I was sad every day. I had to carry on and keep my energy up for my children. Privately, memories hit me left and right. I realised all the mistakes I had made. I vowed to right any wrongs. It hit me the first night when he was not there. I had slept alone before, but there was an emptiness and void that nothing could have filled. It hit even harder in the following morning when I woke up. I know he needed space. I cannot believe I almost let our love go to waste. I took him for granted, but this time I am giving Matt my all. I know I can be all he needs and all he wanted me to be the first time around. I wondered what it would take to feel right? The answer was simple. My husband by my side. I have vowed to give him more. I am much more mature, committed, and I am showing him. I messed up. I missed him every day, and I just wanted to be with him. He was so far away. I slept in his shirts the first week because they smelled just like him. That was just a very sad time. I am glad that it is over.
When he walked in on that night, I jumped into his arms. I did not let go until I was ready. He held me while I cried. I had never been so happy to see him. "Make You Feel My Love" by Adele was playing. Could that song have been more perfect?
We spent that weekend alone and created a starting point to start repairing our marriage. Our expectations have been realistic. Trouble and trying times will not last always. I have to remember that when it gets tough.
We have made quite a bit of progress in the 2.5 months since all of this happened. We are taking it hour by hour. Day by day is too broad right now. My stress is virtually gone. I have high stress days at work, but it helps to be able to walk into our home and have peace. We have resumed a relatively normal life where all of the drama is not consuming our every waking hour. We have set days where we talk about "outside" issues. Healing our marriage is a mutual goal, and we are still on the healthier path.
One of the things we talked about were his feelings regarding me being in another relationship. If I were to get back into a relationship with my ex at this point, I would not have his support, any understanding, no acceptance, no tolerance, and not a compromise the first. Knowing all of that and still getting into another relationship when our marriage is on shaky ground would be marital suicide. Another person taking my attention and time away from a situation that needs my full and undivided attention is just an all around bad idea. I asked for his honest opinion regarding it. It is not something he can support at this time. Do I need his support? No, but I respect him too much to sacrifice our marriage again. I am not even sure I want to be in another relationship outside of my marriage right now. It is still up in the air. We agreed to check back in six months. Once some of our problems are worked out and our marriage has had the chance to heal and recover, I might start thinking about that. Until that point, all of my efforts are going into saving my marriage and keeping my family together.
Another relationship is NOT a need for me. I have never felt like something was missing, desired another flavour like ice cream versus some other random food, felt the need to spice up my marriage, or any of those reasons. BP asked Elemental, her husband, what drew him to polyamoury? I am pondering that very thing. What is it that I hoped to gain, or what is it that I would like to gain in the future? Very valid questions. Over time, I have discovered that I do not need multiple relationships to be happy or to feel complete. I am not bored with my marriage. Matt is like Neapolitan ice cream. I have no idea which of the three flavours I will get.
I am complete on my own, and my husband is an extension of the pre-established happiness. I guess that is why I am not pushing myself to make a decision regarding whether to continue with polyamoury or whether to swing on over to the monogamous side.
I often hear people describing their marriages and sex lives as vanilla and lacking that certain something. I have never felt that way. Our sex life has never bored me. I have a high sex drive, and he matches it with ease. We have passionate, intense sex. (You know that song "Addicted" by Saving Abel? Yes, that describes us. Matt is my drug and addiction of choice.) We try to outdo each other. I am talking ripped pearls, ripped off buttons, sheet clenching, pillow biting, screamed out names, scratched backs, and kisses that would make a priest repent and say Hail Mary's for the thoughts if he was thinking. He takes me to new heights of pleasure by pushing me. Our idea of a warm-up is 10 O's. When you have O's so powerful that move you to tears and that you can still feel the effects of 30 minutes later, it is some kind of wonderful. No wonder I missed that when we had not been intimate in a month!
I have to work today. 10 AM day or I would not still be up. We have a date tonight, since he will be gone for our usual night. We are going to a karaoke bar. We need to have some fun and loosen up. If you cannot laugh at yourself from time to time, then your life is no fun. I have the perfect duet in mind. "Just Give Me A Reason" by Pink and Nate Ruess. I only thought about it because I heard it on the way home from work yesterday. Good-night!