My fiance had/has the same fear as well. What we boiled it down to is where we are now in our relationship and where do we want to be.
Currently, I am completely committed to him and I have no desire or need to be without him. I love him dearly and I choose to have him as a life partner. (which after months of cummunication it can feel like my feelings are not being heard or they are less important than his fears and assumptions and can be very frustrating when I try to do everything I can to make him feel safe and loved)
Currently, deep down he knows this about me, but he is still worried that my feelings could change. He has swirls of what ifs that take a toll on him from time to time. (which he tends to pull back from our relationship emotionally, which only adds to his fears of him not being good enough and me leaving him)
And where do we want to be, we both want a happy, strong, and secure relationship together for the rest of our lives.
So how do we get there from where we are? Time, patience, complete honesty, and care for one another... and a whole lot of faith and team work.
He focused quite a bit on the bond I have with my other and reacted with jealousy and fear. But now what he is doing is focusing on our own foundation. Putting all he can into our own bond so that way he knows he's done all he can to make our relationship healthy. he's using that fear as a positive now and letting go of the control caused by his fears. He is also breaking down the guard he put up out of fear and not only asking for what he needs to feel secure, but also allowing me to meet those needs.
And I am here listening to every irrational fear. Even the ones that seem a little insulting (he should know me better than that kind of thing) because he needs to give them a voice and I need to hear what my love is going through so I can be more understanding.
The thing is, no one knows what the future holds. What I do know is Im completely content in my relationship right now, but had a small taste of how damaging fear can be to a relationship.
Its important to remember that fear is completely normal and its also very important to remember that if you let that fear take control of you and your actions you will sabatoge yourself and will cause great pain to the ones that mean the most and you very well could be the one to cause exactly what you are scared of in the first place.
So now we are on more solid ground with the fear and all that's left is the fear of the unknown. Weve done and continue to do all we can to tame the beast and as I go on my first date this weekend (which is out of state so it will be overnight) we have our boundaries set (all 3 of us) and now we will all be supportive of what this date means for each one of us, but also staying honest about how its effecting us personally. Its a huge leap of faith for my fiance, but we have gotten to a point where he was ready to make that leap (his idea for the first date). Im so proud of him and his bravery and trust in me only brings me closer to him and makes me love him more and more.
Last edited by Ilove2men; 01-19-2010 at 05:10 PM.