I'm glad you are getting to the self aware part. It makes a real difference. We've discussed how this relationship with DC is going better if only because I am more self aware. (even about the things I'm not happy about.)
DH and I have been on groups for poly/mono and something people didn't seem to get was that once trust was broken it was LITERALLY like destroying the foundation of the house and then saying, "But hey, let's slap up some paint and make it pretty so you don't notice the structural problems!" The structural is more important. To be honest the only time we've seen a book or something talk about dealing with the foundation was a book that claimed if there was an affair it could be looked at as a GOOD thing! Now that you've destroyed the foundation of the relationship you can rebuild it any way you want! Hard to see that as exciting and a good thing when you are standing in the crumbling house!
I know it can feel overwhelming, like a suffocating blanket around you as you fight to prove you are trust worthy and feel like you are making no progress. If you ever need to vent or talk feel free to message me!
To be honest, the leaving to think on things by himself is something we are still working on, it always makes me feel abandoned. Worse, like it's a punishment. "You made me upset so now I'm going to disappear from the family and you can deal with EVERYTHING knowing that you have to because you hurt me!" (Yeah, sometimes what we 'hear' or interpret is worse.) So it's nice to remind yourself or be reminded that they are taking that time to honestly think and absorb and that is a step in the right direction rather than just give up or get into a fight!
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former