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Old 05-14-2013, 03:07 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Join Date: Jun 2012
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I do not appreciate the "women like you" comment. Smells avoidy, hemming, hawing to me. Be just as easy to say "I have no expectations of you, and I don't want you to expect anything of me." Or "I don't know what I want yet. I'm still figuring it out." To make it sound like you asking for clarification is disdainful is weird to me.

Easiest way to skip over that red herring than allow the conversation to derail over to "why labels stink," is to simply reply "Yes, I see you do not like labels. But I like to know what's going on. So are you willing to tell me what you expect of me at this time?" and keep the focus on what it is you NEED to know from her. The job description.

Screw the job title then, but give the job description before I apply here so I can KNOW what I'm getting into. Thanks.

Usually labels could be "shorthand" to expectation of behavior and accountability. Not just for the people IN the relationship, but for people outside that relationship.

You pretty much state your need as such.
Quote:
I don't understand my role and expectations and it is hard to convey to my primary partner what we are doing.
If a child at school is standing with a woman in the school office and the kid calls her "Mom" rather than "Mrs Smith" -- we expect that adult to behave a certain way to the child. We perceive the situation as -- maybe it's the mom picking up the kid at school. It is a mother relationship role here. That one word "label" sums up a whole job description and accountability to the child. We may not know the family's culture and details, but "Mom" puts it in the ball park at least.

If the child calls the person "Mrs Smith" we perceive it another way -- maybe it's the teacher taking the kid to the principal. It's another job description and level of accountability/responsibility to the child. We expect the teacher to keep the kid safe while in her care during school hours. We do not expect the teacher to buy the kid clothes, food, toys, bathe the child, etc.

When it was at the FWB place, we knew what we had. But we went with "dating GF/BF, but NOT going steady" for outsiders even though it's old fashioned vocab. Because even a grandma could get a handle on that.

I didn't even want to get into explaining our private FWB arrangements to other people. But we did want to enjoy the privilege of the label's shorthand when interacting with the rest of the world -- and that meant other friends and family.

So if your new dating partner doesn't like the "label thing," could she at least be willing to give you the job description she expects to hold you accountable to and are you expected to fulfill? So you can treat her how she wants to be treated? (Maybe her expectations are just over the top nutter and it changes your mind about wanting her for a dating partner.)

And how about YOU just tell her what YOU expect from her as a dating partner so you can be treated how you want to be treated? And ask if she's willing to deliver that or not? (Maybe it changes your mind about wanting her for a dating partner if she's not willing to deliver. )

Quote:
I don't understand my role and expectations and it is hard to convey to my primary partner what we are doing.
Because all that is reasonable to request. It is reasonable to ask for clarification if you are confused or do not understand. Figuring this stuff out is part of what the dating time is for.

After that if you are "goal oriented" in the relationship or just "experience oriented" in the relationship it doesn't matter.

Because you already know how to platinum rule each other along the journey.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 05-14-2013 at 06:41 PM.
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