Nisha and I have been having some amazing conversations lately, pouring our hearts out. And I've listened, calmly this time, accepting all the pain I had caused her. We've started rebuilding what was broken and also re-evaluating ourselves. Why we are in this relationship. What do we want from it. What do we want from being poly. How we could improve our communication skills so they don't break down so easily the next time.
Things have gradually been getting better, but I'm so scared that she'll forgive me and I'll do it again. I didn't mean to do this to her. If I had realised what I was doing, I wouldn't have done it. How am I going to recognise recognise what I'm doing the next time? I don't trust my self and I'm scared of that.
Sometimes I feel like I should walk away and so that I CAN'T hurt her again, but that seems like an easy way out. I want to do the work it takes to rebuild her trust. I want to be the way we were again.
Thing is, I've fucked up pretty bad in the past too, but that was a long time ago during my cheating days. And I'd changed since. I'd become a much better person, thanks to Nisha. And this whole incident made me go back to my old ways. Being reckless, editing the truth, neglecting feelings, being a real asshole. So I wonder if I had really changed or just… I don't know… maybe the real me who's an asshole was just dormant? I know that old habits die hard, but I thought I had killed them hard ages ago…
I've ended it with Greta. I emailed her asking for her side of the story first. She replied nicely but her reply didn't reflect the way she acted. I replied apologising if I had given her any wrong impressions. I also tried to tell her what I thought she did wrong and how her actions hurt us. If she wants to be poly, she will have to change some of her ways too. But I won't be there to do this with her.
I don't want to lose Nisha and I'm not willing to take any risks.