Berlin: Part 2
We landed in Berlin on a morning and went straight to Greta's place. Staying at Greta's was a mutual decision from Nisha and me. Our first meeting was friendly, although I think everybody was nervous.
Later that day, the three of us went for a walk. Normally, I walk faster than Nisha. She prefers to go slow and click photographs. Thing is that Greta walks fast too, so she and I were usually ahead while Nisha was behind. Nisha took this as Greta and I trying to separate from her, but that wasn't what was going on. I even walked back to Nisha at times and asked her if she was ok, to which she said yes.
I guess we were all quite nervous, I know I was, and when I'm nervous and act differently. For example, I was walking with Nisha and holding her hand while Greta walked ahead. But when we caught up with Greta, I let go of Nisha's hand. I think I did that so as to not make Greta feel uncomfortable.
I wish I had my head screwed on right. I shouldn't have let go of Nisha's hand or shown her less affection in front of Greta. Instead of making my Nisha feel secure and confident, I chose to not make Greta feel awkward. I think I gave Greta the wrong impression by doing that, made her think she was more important. So there's no one else but me to blame here. I fucked up and I feel like shit for not standing by my woman's side. Still, Nisha didn't mention to me that she wasn't feeling OK.
The next two days passed in a similar sort of way. Nisha seemed to avoid being near me. No matter how slowly I walked, she always seemed to walk far behind me. But Greta would walk up to me if I was alone, and walk by me. Nisha still wouldn't tell me if anything was wrong. And I didn't ask. I assumed everyone was just getting used to the situation.
Then after spending our first three days like this, Greta had a class to attend so Nisha and I did some sight seeing by ourselves. This is when Nisha tried to tell me that she wasn't OK, that I wasn't giving her enough attention. Instead of listening to her, I got defensive and angry. I was stubborn and refused to see Nisha's side. I felt like it was Nisha who was avoiding me, not me who wasn't making enough of an effort to be close to her. We started to have an argument.
During this argument, Greta called to say her class was cancelled and to ask if she could join us. And what did I do? I said OK. In the middle of an argument (which Greta was a big part of), I asked Greta to join us. I can't believe I did that, I disregarded Nisha's feelings. She tried to talk to me calmly and I didn't listen and then went and made her feel worse.
So Greta joined us and we didn't mention that something was wrong. Neither did we get to resolve our argument.
That night Nisha and I booked our transport for the next day, we were going to visit my brothers girlfriend. It got late and Nisha went to to sleep. Greta and I stayed up talking and eventually we hooked up. The next day I told Nisha about it and she seemed like she didn't mind.
Looking back, I can't believe I hooked up with Greta while Nisha and I had an unresolved argument on the table. I've been in similar situations before, where I could have hooked up with somebody while Nisha and I were fighting, BUT I DIDN'T because I couldn't do it while things weren't OK with us. So why did I do it with Greta? I don't know… maybe because we were leaving the next day so I felt like it was my only chance… but even then, I feel terrible that I gave Greta more priority than resolving my fight with Nisha.
The next day Nisha and I left to visit and spend a few days with my brother's girlfriend. And then the three of us returned to Berlin and we all stayed at Greta's place. Then things just got more and more worse. In short, I hardly got to spend much alone time with Nisha. And when we were alone, we fought and had arguments. Nisha started to shut me out and I couldn't keep a conversation decent. I would get angry and shout. Things got pretty bad but I don't think Greta knew. Not once did Nisha, Greta and I sit and talk about what we wanted from what we were doing.
Greta and I kept making out and spending time with each other and Nisha felt more and more pushed away and alienated. Finally Nisha had had enough and she wanted to leave. She told me that I could stay with Greta if I wanted but she was leaving. I didn't want to be away from Nisha, I wanted to be with her. But somehow, I found it hard to leave Greta's. For one, finding a hotel can take up time and I didn't want to waste time looking for a hotel instead of visiting museums and such. HOW STUPID IS THAT? And then Greta didn't like the idea of us leaving. She tried to dissuade us, she didn't help us in finding a hotel and kept trying to distract us when we were searching for one online.
Nisha was very nice to Greta, even though things were fucked up and she was hurting. She made an extra effort for everybody to get along. But when we were finally ready to leave the next day, Greta began to act cranky and she snidely insulted Nisha and me and neither of us said anything back to her. I think we both felt indebted to her because we were her guests. Then that night, after and in spite of her insults, I asked Nisha if I could spend the night in Greta's room.
It's like I was on a brainwashed kamikaze mission, like I was deliberately trying everything I could to ruin our relationship. Nisha was so hurt and angry when I asked her, she started crying and that's when my dum ass suddenly woke up and realised what I was putting her through. I was shocked and scared. I started to cry too. I felt like the world's biggest asshole.
The next day, I booked a hotel. We left a thank you note with some flowers and herbs for Greta and her housemates and we left. I paid for the hotel and everything, it was too little to late but I just wanted to get Nisha somewhere she could relax and I could be with her alone. If I hadn't booked the hotel and left, I don't think Nisha would have ever been OK with me again.
After leaving Greta's, my head started to clear more and more and I realised in horror what I had done. I was a total dick to Nisha and she didn't deserve it. I hurt her really badly, broke her trust, broke my confidence in myself, wrecked our relationship.
I feel like Greta didn't respect our boundaries either. Even after we left her place and I had told her that I wanted to spend the rest of the days alone with Nisha, she called and texted me asking to meet her. At first I thought she might not realise that she's not giving us the space I needed and asked for. But turns out she knew what she was doing, but she didn't care. She said she just had to do it anyway. That really hurt me. I didn't think she'd disrespect my relationship with Nisha so much and do it without feeling sorry.
Nisha and I got to spend the last couple of days by ourselves and we tried to enjoy what was left of our holiday but there was just too much shit already. There was too much guilt hanging over my head and Nisha felt hurt and unloved. It just made me so sad that we wasted what could have potentially been an awesome trip.
What had I done? I risked a perfectly happy and wonderful relationship with Nisha, and for what? For someone who doesn't care about us?
I liked Greta when I first met her but after this trip, I realised that I didn't know much about her. The more I found out, the more I realised that she isn't (or isn't ready to be) poly. She doesn't like the idea of her boyfriend with another girl for one, and she was jealous when I told her that Minu was good for me. She tried to push Minu away and keep me to herself sometimes. I didn't want to be with somebody like that, or let somebody like that into something I held close to me. I was too naive and wanted to believe in a perfect world, but instead I did so much damage to what was actually real.
I broke Nisha's trust, I broke my confidence in myself, I wrecked it. Nisha asked me to show her extra affection when we were in Berlin, that she would need it, and I didn't give her this basic thing she asked for. It hurts and it hurts more to see Nisha hurt so much. I don't trust myself and so I'm scared that I'll do this again.