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Old 05-14-2013, 02:41 AM
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FindingMyselfInTheGrey FindingMyselfInTheGrey is offline
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Whidbey Island, Washington, USA
Posts: 25

First, let me say that I am relatively new to the poly lifestyle as we have only recently opened our relationship, so for what itís worth, here's my opinion:

Originally Posted by taytay85 View Post
Unfortunately he had already been seeing another woman and the relationship continued through me moving here. I became pregnant, it continued and ended when I had a miscarriage. I recognize now that whenever he contacted her it was when I was having a problem coping with pregnancy and really needed him. I only found out about the other relationship right before I had the miscarriage. The other woman had no idea I didn't know. We went to counseling for a brief time but was unrelated to his hidden relationship as I still hadn't found out about his other girlfriend.

He apologized yet stressed, (I am paraphrasing) that it was my fault because I wasnít as progressed as he is in poly and I should have had better reactions. So he had to lie.
This is my first area of concern. The basic premise of the poly lifestyle (as I understand it) is to be honest with ALL partners, and to move at the pace of the slowest partner. So for him to (1) withhold information about his other relationship and (2) to move faster that he thinks you are ready for are both areas where it seems fair for you to be concerned about the health of your relationship with him. BUT when he begins to blame you for the relationship shortcomings-which were cause by him not being forthcoming and honest about other relationships he was also in is a red flag.

Originally Posted by taytay85 View Post
I dated briefly in the beginning of our relationship, but stopped when our problems started. Our problems have been huge. I have been so irritated with his constant need to criticize me and looks for hidden meaning behind my words that I almost ended the relationship 2wks ago. He told me he didn't want that to happen so he suggested counseling (yes, again) as an alternative.

Since then he has not put any ďworkĒ into our relationship.
Counseling only works when ALL parties agree that they share in the insufficiencies in the relationship and are ALL willing to put forth the efforts needed to rebuild the relationship

Originally Posted by taytay85 View Post
Currently he is talking to another woman. He was forthcoming and even gave me her number when I asked if I could meet her. However, our relationship is in the gutter. We arenít intimate, we donít talk about us, but he has time to plan a date with Rebecca. I asked him last night if he felt this was a good time to get to know the other woman.

I have been accused of wanting monogamy, accused of trying to close our relationship until it is perfect and the new one is, I am playing head games.
Asking for time (alone) with him, to focus on the relationship you share before beginning a new one sounds pretty fair to me. Even in a monogamous relationship, there are times when you need to put aside outside distractors to focus on rebuilding a healthy relationship with your partner. Perfection is unattainable and is unfair of either of you to expect from each other, but as you say, you are currently experiencing poor communication, and no intimacy: the lack of those in any relationship should be of a concern to all involved.

I am not going to act as judge and jury and tell you this is or isn't an abusive relationship, because I honestly don't know. You are going to have to do a bit of soul searching and come up with an answer for yourself. And you may find that its not abusive, but still be a relationship that you no longer want a part of because you discover it is too far gone and is no longer worth saving.

I will recommend going to counseling for you, without him. It sounds like you need an objective listener to help you work through these questions and concerns. From my own experience I do suggest a counselor, and not a family member or friend-you wouldn't want to ruin any of those relationships on accident.
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