Is this a poly abusive relationship?
My primary and I have had a rough road. It started before I moved from Washington state to California to be with him. We met on-line, dated long distance for about a year and the entire time discussed poly and how we were going to practice it.
Unfortunately he had already been seeing another woman and the relationship continued through me moving here. I became pregnant, it continued and ended when I had a miscarriage. I recognize now that whenever he contacted her it was when I was having a problem coping with pregnancy and really needed him. I only found out about the other relationship right before I had the miscarriage. The other woman had no idea I didn't know. We went to counseling for a brief time but was unrelated to his hidden relationship as I still hadn't found out about his other girlfriend.
He apologized yet stressed,( I am paraphrasing) that it was my fault because I wasn’t as progressed as he is in poly and I should have had better reactions. So he had to lie.
His ex gf/friend, told me he did the same thing when they were primary. That doesn’t sit well with me.
I dated briefly in the beginning of our relationship, but stopped when our problems started. Our problems have been huge. I have been so irritated with his constant need to criticize me and looks for hidden meaning behind my words that I almost ended the relationship 2wks ago. He told me he didn't want that to happen so he suggested counseling (yes, again) as an alternative.
Since then he has not put any “work” into our relationship. Currently he is talking to another woman. He was forthcoming and even gave me her number when I asked if I could meet her. However, our relationship is in the gutter. We aren’t intimate, we don’t talk about us, but he has time to plan a date with Rebecca. I asked him lastnight if he felt this was a good time to get to know the other woman. He immediately shut down and began to mope and mutter under his breath.
I have been accused of wanting monogamy, accused of trying to close our relationship until it is perfect and the new one is, I am playing head games.
Can you please make sense of this? I really appreciate any feedback I can get… I made a lot of sacrifices to be with him and I want to give this one last shot.