The "dimensions of wellness" is a phrase you can Google and read more about. That one particular link if you click on the types, will give you some suggestions for how to address things in that "bucket."
As far as "ID the things", then "brainstorm solutions" for the things, then sort them into piles for "how long does it take to execute the things" -- that's just how I deal with some of my life problems. To me it's part of SMART goal setting.
. Getting it (s)pecific and getting it (m)easurable is the first steps toward organizing a larger game plan.
IS that deceitful to her? Or is it just part of being in a polyamorous relationship...that some things will be secret from the other? Is it ok not to tell her for the sake of peace?
That you even have to WONDER? Keeping info from her about the things that could concern her? Lies of omission are lies, hon.
If your partner is keeping things in the dark from his wife, you might wonder what he is telling HER that you are in the dark about. Maybe setting each of you up to "dislike" the other one. Pitting you against each other so HE gets all the cookies and from his POV -- he has it made. Live in GF tending to him, wife dealing with the kids so he doesn't have to do a dang thing.
I'd be leery. Look at the HUGE stress ball you are under. What kind of dynamic do you HAVE over there?
Could keep wondering then. Take it all the way.
It is very easy to assign all your "ugh" on to her -- but you could examine his behavior. Not his TALKING. He may be one of those smoothie talkin' guys that just sliiiiiiide along in life. Examine his BEHAVIOR.
He SAYS he loves his children. But in his behavior he ignores them. This is loving how?
He SAYS he loves you and promises you whatever. But in his behavior he delivers what?
OR does he only deliver partials? Just enough to get what he wants from you?
You guys seem to argue lots because you are not getting what you need. Does he negotiate fairly and address the problem? Nope. You get this --->
And yes....I am selfish. He has made sure to tell me that.
He does not attack the problem but the person. Which sends you into a brain cloud wondering if your really ARE being selfish? Result for him = you off his back and not holding him accountable to promises made. He's distracted you.
Marriage is something you value. You are starting to feel uncomfortable because that's another promise not yet delivered, it has been 3 years, the NRE has worn off and you are coming to earth to look at your situation NOT with pink fluffy cloud eyes. And you do not like what you find.
- You basically have to stay in a situation you do not like because negotiating for changes is getting you nothing. Don't like contemplating staying in UGH.
- Or accept you got snowed for 3 years on fake promises and leave. I'm sure you do not like to consider that either because you want to be able to keep loving him.
When life gives you stinky choices? Chose the one that stinks the least then. To me that would be LEAVE this situation. Your title say you do not want to play anymore -- so get out.
I have no ring...NOTHING to indicate that I am "taken"...and we have agreed that I am. We have agreed that my heart belongs to him ALONE. That it will never belong to another. He says that he will get me a ring...when the time is right. And he is NOT one to lie. So I WANT to believe him, but he NEVER talks about it...we never look at rings. NOTHING.
He wants to control how YOU feel? That you will never love anyone but him? He dangles a ring like a carrot but NEVER talks about it? He's found your button to push to get what he wants. You WANT to believe him. But cannot. So you struggle to reconcile. Because him stringing you along is less than loving behavior. Talk is all pretty. But the behavior is not.
He SAYS he stays home to "side with you" when he avoids family things. But his behavior is what? Avoiding family things now that they know you are the GF? Maybe he whitewashes it as "siding with you" TO YOU but really it is him avoiding listening to his parents tell him he's being unfair FOR HIM.
Then it is really easy for the parents to continue to blame you first -- most people would rather blame the "outsider" than blood kin.Does he keep you away from the parents so they don't know you or your side of the story? Could note how you don't get to share your side to anyone. You are isolated. Awfully handy for him -- he can play "I'm drunk with my affair and the mistress bewitched me" rather than "I am pitting two women against each other so I get all the cookies."
I'm not saying that is what is happening. I'm only going by what YOU write -- who knows what his side is.
But if what you write is the actuality and not your perceived reality? You COULD CONSIDER if that is happening. Because it's sounding pretty weird there.
All things are negotiated more or less by him. If I have a problem I tell him and he talks to her about it...and thus far it has worked fairly well. But honestly, I have NO idea what he told her in the beginning or WHAT she originally agreed to.
That's fishy, hon. Sounds too much like "He makes all the rules" -- how do you avoid triangulation when all information goes through him?
I'm not saying you are being abused. But it's weird
sounding. Anything else on here ping for you?
Because your last relationship was abusive -- have you healed enough and regained the skills in relationshipping to stay out of more subtle abusive dynamics? Did you get out of the fire and into the frying pan? Not as bad as the exhusband, but still not good for you?
You are pretty isolated socially. Are you isolated financially too? Do you have finances of your own? Can you go home stateside and walk away from this? Not saying you WANT to right now... but are you even able to if you chose it? Or are you screwed in Europe if this goes down badly? Left without finances to even get out?
I guess if I am to depend on MYSELF for my OWN happiness and to do what I need to do to make that happen, then I need to take any response from him out of the picture. Basically telling myself to accept it the way it is, find a way within myself to "like" it or get out of it and start over. Am I understanding that correctly?
No. You do not have to "like it or lump it" type stuff. Under normal conditions, you could always ASK to renegotiate in a polyship for your needs. You can always ASK -- but what it seems like you are doing it blaming her for everything.... or being set up
to blame her for everything so he sliiiiiides out of the spotlight for behavior done/not done. Blame shifting.
It doesn't sound like normal ethical polyshipping to me over there if he controls all the information. There's a whiff of weird to it. It is very hard to tell from reading your story if you are a manipulative cowgirl, he's a manipulative weirdo, or what. I don't say that to upset you -- just telling you how it reads to a stranger. There's a whiff of manipulation in there somewhere -- but WHO is doing it?
So my only advice is to work out listing all the things that bother you and try to group them together. Then maybe others can help you to see if you are too close to the trees to see the forest and you are not a cowgirl.
I assume positive intent on your part since you are the one posting for help. The more you write, the clearer it will become. So keep writing.