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Old 05-13-2013, 12:09 PM
nycindie's Avatar
nycindie nycindie is offline
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: The Big Apple
Posts: 10,083

How old are you and how much experience do you have in relationships?

As I see it, your biggest problem here is communication. Neither one of you knows what the other wants and you are too timid to ask for clarification. His ideas come across as weird, but that could be due to your utter confusion. Have you ever read anything about polyamory? Most of all, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU WANT? DO YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU FEEL HAPPY AND SATISFIED IN RELATIONSHIPS? HAVE YOU ESTABLISHED YOUR OWN PERSONAL BOUNDARIES OF WHAT YOU WILL AND WILL NOT ACCEPT?

Sorry for shouting.

Originally Posted by monopoly4376 View Post
. . . he says that he wants a family in a "polyandry" type of way . . . he says that he's met this guy who is also poly, but he says that he wants me to be his wife regardless of this other guy.
Are you saying he met a poly guy he wants to be in relationship with himself, or whom he wants you to be with? It sounds like he wants to basically choose other people to have sex with you, and that's just all kinds of fucked-up because it's your body and only you should choose who to have sex with. Like, he met this guy and says there's a guy he knows who is supposed to be your second boyfriend or a sex partner?


Originally Posted by monopoly4376 View Post
Only, he doesn't want to marry me. I've heard of poly groups at least having a marriage or two, so I kind of hoped that he'd marry me in some way, but he says that he doesn't even want to be common-law married to me, that he wants to avoid favoritism and not marry anyone. Now, he said he'd give me a ring, and I thought he also meant to marry-marry me, not just, well, not marry me legally or anything.
If you want to be legally married to someone and he will never do that, then you have incompatible goals. But I think it is glaring that he tells you his position on things and yet you "kind of hoped" he would give you what you really want in some way. Honey, he won't. AND you shouldn't be so wishy-washy! "Kind of hoped" - what is your position, your stance, your needs, your desires? Figure out what you want, state it, and if he can't meet that, MOVE ON. You haven't known him very long (less than a year, correct?), he lives with his mom and doesn't work, and wants to dictate you his terms for relationships without considering yours. Believe me, it sounds like no great loss if you walk away from this. Does he expect you to live with him and his mother??? Don't get into a long-term commitment with someone you hardly know.

Originally Posted by monopoly4376 View Post
I'd already agreed to be his wife in a poly family, so I'd feel like a fool for backing out now . . . I feel like I'm making a very big sacrifice.
So, if you agreed to swim across the ocean and then realized you couldn't survive, you would still have to do it to avoid looking foolish? Yes, you are making a big sacrifice if you jump into this without fully knowing what you're getting into.

Originally Posted by monopoly4376 View Post
I just, I'm so confused. He says that I can "bring in" people, but he says that I shouldn't marry either. I feel so lost!! Plus, I have no idea when all this is going to be put into action, and I'm not sure that it's fair to ask me to put my life on hold like that.
Again, you are not being proactive enough in finding out what/when/how he wants to do this.

Originally Posted by monopoly4376 View Post
So, that's the background info. What I'm wondering is if poly families do that at all, just don't marry anyone in the group, I mean. How do big poly groups handle the common-law rule, handle the law?
Every case is different. Some poly "groups" are comprised of several legally married pairs.

Originally Posted by monopoly4376 View Post
Wait, one woman? Two men/women? Is that...(>.<). It sounds like he wants me to be the only woman, then. He's been saying that I can find someone else too, but... I so didn't want to be the only woman. Maybe he's getting the definitions wrong, or...maybe I'm extremely thick and he's been trying to tell me that I'm the only woman this whole time (last few days). Man. I really hope he's not thinking that I'm the only woman :/.
Say what? Now YOU are confusing. What do you mean by this? Do you think that all poly relationships are done in groups where everyone is all having sex with each other and involved with everybody else? That is not the case at all!!! You can have several separate relationships. You can be with other men or women without your current boyfriend being involved at all.


Originally Posted by monopoly4376 View Post
I don't have the guts to keep asking him why he won't take me to the courthouse.
Then get the guts. How do you think you can spend a life with someone you can't talk to?

Originally Posted by monopoly4376 View Post
Ha, yeah, that's it. I don't know this other guy or if this guy is even okay with being with me. Wtf indeed!! . . . it's hard to find out because he can be persuasive sometimes.
Then why are you even considering what he's proposing? Where is your sense of self and ability to assert what you want in order to be happy?

Read the following quotes again and again. I totally agree with them. There seems to be a lot of immaturity and insecurity going on here.:

Originally Posted by nancyfore View Post
Shouldn't a job and not living with his mother come before marriage and poly???
Originally Posted by Natja View Post
Ermm Monopoly, I think you should wait a fair while before you commit too much to his relationship, it seems a little bit immature at the moment and really lacking in meaningful communication.

You don't seem to feel very secure and confident in this relationship, that is a red flag for me and a good sign that you are not yet ready for all Poly will throw at you.
The world opens up... when you do.

"Oh, oh, can't you see? Love is the drug for me." ~Bryan Ferry
"Love and the self are one . . ." ~Leo Buscaglia

Click here for a Solo Poly view on hierarchical relationships
Click here to find out why the Polyamorous Misanthrope is feeling disgusted.

Last edited by nycindie; 05-13-2013 at 12:16 PM.
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