Had a rough Saturday, but it all worked out in the end. A simple lesson for me: I need to get better at identifying and articulating my needs.
The jealousy around Bijou had grown to crazy levels because I wasn't speaking out about what I wanted. I was hoping that I would magically get the time I desired with Grotto - but of course, how was he to know this?
In my lowest moments on Saturday, it was bad. I wrote this:
Well, I'm pretty much failing at coping with shit around Grotto right now. He's finding it very hard because he doesn't know what's making me feel so bad. I don't really know myself, either.
I'm not very well.
We made some time to talk about it today over Skype. Things were going well till he got a call from Bijou. She was downstairs (she'd left her phone and wallet at his place) and needed to come pick it up. He apologised but told me he had to go. He said we could talk again tomorrow.
Rescheduling helped but... ah. Tomorrow felt so far away, and I could just imagine it being a recovery day for him, depending on what happened tonight. So not the most ideal time to spend.
Feeling shit about him dropping our conversation to hang out with Bijou. I understand it in my head, but my emotions are wild. Thinking of them being in a good mood together, chilling out, making out, while I feel all Unfinished Business - gah!
Why do I feel so fucking jealous?
I hate it, god!
I was very sad and upset. I tried to get over it, but it wouldn't be got over. Finally (several teary, manic hours later), I admitted to Grotto that I needed to talk, as soon as possible.
I knew he may have been with Bijou (turns out he wasn't, or at least wasn't alone with her) but I really needed his attention. I wanted
to be able to wait til he wasn't doing other things. I wanted
to be able to leave him be to enjoy his weekend. But I couldn't. I really needed to talk with him.
I had actually turned to Ocean first, who calmed me down a bit and reassured me that I wasn't generally a very needy person, and reminded me that it was no shame to need something sometimes.
As soon as I told Grotto I really needed to talk, he headed home and called me on Skype. We had a good conversation, and luxuriously slow masturbating side-by-side exploring mutual fantasies. Was exactly what I needed, and it made us both feel immensely better about Us. I know he is willing to do what it takes to make this work. I just need to understand my own head better, and share more with him.
I feel pretty average about my relationship skills at the moment. I've been treating Grotto quite unfairly, I think. Not communicating enough about things that bother me. But - it's getting better.
Even happier news... I asked Grotto if he thought he could visit me soon, and he has arranged for this coming Monday off work, so he can come up for the weekend! I was so excited when he bought tickets. We had to book a place to stay too because I'm living with relatives at the moment, and can't have a lover-who-isn't-Ocean here, bleh
So, it's come to a bit of an expense already. Trying not to stress about that. Hard to be frugal and make distance relationships work!
Hmm. I've also been thinking of how I can improve how I feel towards Bijou, without directly confronting her with my tortured soul
I'd like to have good vibes with her. I'm ashamed of my ugly around this. But... what's inside is what's inside. As much as it disgusts me sometimes, it's all I have to work with.