Issues with Anxiety
So John started dating M, and I really life her, I have a crush on her, and she says that shes wanting to try a relationship with me "eventually". We have kissed several times and held hands and such but nothing more.
Thats not really the point of this though.
I'm having anxiety attacks when John and M do anything sexual, it doesnt matter what (they havent has sex yet) I was in the room with them and I had to take my anxiety pill and leave the room, i went and smoked like 6 cigarettes to calm down.
The very thought of them having sex with me near by, and even writing this throws me into anxiety. I dont have an issue with sex elsewhere, only when I'm near by, but sex at her place is impossible. And we dont have the money for hotels. So the only place for them is here, well or the back seat of a car.
I know one issues is I'm envious of John's time with her, bc I want her to be my girl too. I'm working through that, and taking what I can get and I'm getting to be ok with it. John and I have worked a lot on that subject.
The anxiety issue maybe linked to my abuse/rape by an ex, he would cheat on me, blame me for it, and I'd have to have sex with him to make everything ok again. I'm working through that with a counselor now, my abuse and rape I mean. It could be related and linked in my mind but I'm not sure thats what is causing the anxiety.
I do have Generalized Anxiety Disorder, so I have pills I can take to fix it temporarily, but I want to find out what is causing it and talk it out or have a way to deal with it.
John doesnt want my popping a pill every time they are alone in our room, but I dont want to break down either. I'm willing to cry and get stressed for a little while, but Im not sure I'll get over it without work.
I'm also wondering how much of this (my anxiety, my history, etc) to share with M, I dont want to make her feel bad or do ANYTHING to screw up her and John. But I do want a relationship with her, but I dont want to scare her away from either / both of us.