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Old 05-13-2013, 12:15 AM
El186 El186 is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
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I was in therapy for a bit....but my therapist retired and now I am looking for another. It is EXTREMELY hard for me to find a therapists or physicians that I can relate to, as many/most of them do not speak english. I was seeing the therapist for chronic pain issues. I have several painful, debilitating diseases and needed to see him for those reasons. I had not even TOUCHED on the whole poly thing or the fact that I spent 30 years in an abusive relationship...although I am seeing more and more that I need to talk to someone if I plan to stay in this relationship.

There are a couple of points that I need to clear up. I did not say that I stayed up all night crying because he was not in bed with me. I stayed UP all night and could not sleep. I know they are both prolly not good...but I was not crying all night and Pollyanna was right, there is a difference between him just being gone and between him being in her bed...there are many times now that he will stay up...usually playing computer games and while I wish he was with me, I certainly am not crying myself to sleep. It is hard for me to sleep without him, but I WILL. I did not ASK wife for that at ALL...and in fact had NEVER told her that I stayed up on the nights that he slept with her. I don't know if HE told her that I was worried about it while she was on vacation or what, but she came home and OFFERED it...without me asking or telling her about it an anyway. She just said that she knew I would hate to go back to sleeping half the time without him and that she was ok with him sleeping with me all the time. And I was grateful for that. She has REALLY been wonderful and I know that I am the problem in all this. I feel really bad about it, but I cannot help the way I feel.

As far as taking the kids if we married....I guess I wrote that wrong. What I meant was that when we DID have them that WE could "raise them" during that day or weekend or whatever...so I was never ever planning on taking them from their mother to have a perfect little family of my own. Been there done that. And really neither one of us are good with kids...so a weekend every now and then would be PLENTY!

As far as concessions, Josie, I have made some....but you are right. They have been few. One has been the house. I would love to have a house. But I have agreed to let that be her thing. We currently live in one large house and it is big enough that it could be divided into two smaller houses. Wife's main thing is that he be there for supper each evening...perhaps we could make some kind of arrangement that he could eat suppers with her at her side of the house and most of the rest of the time with me...as it IS that way now and she is fine with it??...idk....I am really NEEDING the quiet and the privacy. The kids are young and run screaming thru the house all day...this does not include all the time SHE screams at them. It is hard for me to sleep, as both he and I are daysleepers. And the constant chaos is not good for the ailments that I have. So I thought that some separation and privacy would be good for us. I have asked for my own apartment and he says that he cannot afford that, plus he did not want to physically be away from her and the kids like that and yet did not want me to be left alone either. I think this would be a perfect solution, but when I asked him about it, he did not seem amenable to it...as I was thinking that I would be able to cook for him too...and supper is her thing...:/....so maybe some compromise on that would work a little better....idk...

Polyanna...as far as the age difference goes....it means ALMOST nothing to me. Gee...it is not NEAR....NEAR as hard to handle as the polyamory thing. I could care less if people think he is my son. I used to look pretty good for my age, but since I have stopped dying my hair I think I look much older. But you just kind of know that going into it...that some people are going to think he is your son. So it does not bother me too much. As far as having things in common...we have TONS of things in common. I am not sure if he is OLDER or I am YOUNGER....LOL But THAT works quite well. No problems there. I have and DO often think about him being 50 and me being 70 and I think that is PART of what drives me to want to have a single lone relationship with him. I have just started menopause and I know....my body is aging fast. I was a nurse for almost 20 years...I KNOW what my illnesses do to a body. I KNOW my time is limited. I know that MAYBE I will have another 15 years and then....idk. I want every MOMENT to be spent with him enjoying what little bit of life I have left. I am not sure I can spend it like this. I am just not sure...and not sure what to do about it.
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